Doubt

How do you know when you make a huge decision if it’s right or not? I have been struggling with the choices I have made lately and if they are the right path to take.. Choices that are affecting my life and others around me in a huge way. I feel like I’m creating sadness around me. Yet, if I don’t I am sad. I feel selfish and guilty. And I think about sacrificing my happiness for those around me. Then I realize if I’m not happy how can the people in my life be happy? More pain more suffering. I know that fear is the basis for my questioning the choices I’m making. I am scared that what I am doing is wrong but fear is something I created to protect myself when I was a child. And at this point my fear could make me stay unhealthy. I truly understand the serenity prayer now. God grant me peace over my helplessness, courage to change how I feel and wisdom to know it’s the right path. I know I have to take care of me. And in the process those around me will find happiness too.

Self Acceptance

As you know from reading my blogs, I chew on an idea for awhile before I write about it. Usually HP shoves it in my face as if to say get on with it, write about it. At the moment accepting self keeps showing up in not so subtle hints. I think it’s probably because I opened the door with “Too thine own self be true” as my new years resolution. And my God said ok it’s time to accept yourself then. I’ve been trying to figure out how to accept myself and I’ve found some really great websites. One is http://www.selfcreation.com/acceptance/index.htm
I learned that to accept myself I have to accept my flaws. This is not to say I resign myself to my flaws just that I am ok with me just the way I am. Also, that just because there are things I would like to change about myself, it doesn’t mean that those things are bad or wrong. Just not something I want. What I’m hoping to gain from accepting myself is an inner sense of appreciation. Not to have the need of approval from others. The author of self creation writes “when you feel a sense of inner acceptance and appreciation, there is no need for approval from others. When the question, “Am I a worthy/valuable person?” has been answered by your own voice with a resounding “Yes”, one doesn’t continue to ask that question of others. I want to become that person that doesn’t look to others for approval. My goal for the new year is to accept myself just the way I am. And once I love myself I will find happiness. This will be a long process and I will write about how it’s going of course.

Why Am I Angry God?

Hello God it’s me Cyndi. God, I’m having trouble with the people you are sending to me. I’m having trouble with relationships. How do I know if they are in my life for a reason, for just a short time, or for a lifetime, I wish I had a little light that would go off to tell me if I should even waste my time. How do I know that someone entering my life is not going to hurt me? How do I trust people God? How do I stop making unrealistic expectations? How do I make that go away? How do I stop expecting a emotional response or reaction from someone that is incapable of giving it to me.? And why do I assume that everyone knows what I expect? They are not mind readers. All it does is cause myself anger and disappointment. How do I stop expecting something so I won’t then get angry. Please God help me understand how to just trust you. To trust you to send me what I need in my life and that even if I’m hurt, the hurt will go away and a lesson will be learned.

Cyndi's Prayer

Are you there God? It’s me Cyndi, Please HP show me that you are in my life. I am open to your guidance and I surrender to your decision. But, I don’t know what you want me to do? I feel sometimes there is a blanket over my eyes and something happening but I can’t see it and am missing out on the action. All I can do is pray that I will see whatever you want me to see. Trust that you will remove the veil when it’s time. I am clueless. I feel every decision I’ve made up to this point was me playing God. Ego telling me to choose that option. Now, I really want to do your bidding, if you would just show me the way. Everyday I will get on my knee’s and humbly ask you to help me here. I can’t make any decisions on my own anymore, they have all been bad. Please God tell me what to do. Show me your will. Guide my thoughts words and actions. Please God hear your child, Cyndi. Amen.

Growth

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anais Nin
I feel like a bud that needs and wants to blossom. That if I don’t work on change that the risks of being safe is more painful than the fear of the unknown. As I work on self and try to grow, change happens even if I don’t want it too. I’m sadden by the loss of what was, and is no longer, in some cases Friends that I had early in recovery are just not tolerable anymore. I see the sickness in them still and realize I once viewed the world in the same way. I’m also finding that there are people in recovery that talk a good talk but don’t really live the principles. I suppose that is why principles before personalities is so important. I’m seeing some people that I thought were so strong in program and realize that they still struggle with anger, fear, controlling others, and judging. I see people who I thought were in the program for years and have it all figured out, resist change and dictate how the program should be organized and implemented without considering the newcomer. And I realize this is a life long journey. I will never be well, just better, And that I need to get used to change because it’s going to happen whether I like it or not. If it stops and I stop growing something is not right in my program. I feel like that bud, in Anais’ quote, struggling to open and become a beautiful flower. Painfully, resisting the growth but knowing that something beautiful awaits me.

Would the Real Cyndi Please Step Forward

“All the worlds a stage and all the men and woman merely players. They have their entrances and exits and one man in his time plays many parts.” William Shakespeare
This quote sums up how I feel about my life. I feel like like I have played many roles in my time. I was and I am an actress on stage and off. The roles I started playing at first were on a unconscious level. The “good” daughter. The “nark” The responsible one. The trust worthy one. As I got older and my intense shyness took over, I prayed to be anyone but Cyndi . I had no friends and was so lonely at an early age. Consciously, I wanted to figure out how to act like someone different. The person that had all the friends. The person everyone wanted to be with. I saw the way to learn how to act was through theater. I could learn how become someone else; and it worked. I became the person that had many friends. The girl that was funny and quirky. The girl that guys wanted to date but still had female friends. When I first started acting I thought if I could achieve “being liked” then I would be happy. The only problem was I always felt like if they knew the real Cyndi they would not like me. I beleive this is one of the reason I hate myself then and now. I am a sham, a fake. Would the real Cyndi please step forward. And if I do? I hear the boo’s in my head. So as a teenager I kept playing a role. Believing I didn’t deserve happiness and the great friends that I had. The nice, respectful, handsome men in my life. That role is still being played. Now, I don’t know who the real Cyndi is anymore. And as I relflect on it I wonder why I hate myself for being a fake because who I was when I was 14 is not who I am now. This is me, the role that I created has become part of me. I will always deal with the insecurities of being found out. But I have to remeber when I sit alone in a room I am the same person that I am in public. There is nothing to be found out. I am no longer a fake. What am I scared of? I don’t get boo’s as I take the stage of life and play this role named Cyndi. And the director of my play is happy with the choices I make. My Higher Power (the director) loves me no matter what I do in my play. He is even ok if I drop a line or rewrite the scene. Even when he knows the scene does not work as well with the rewrite, he lets me learn that lesson. So it’s time to let the fear of who I really am go. The real Cyndi can step forward and take her bow. And my Higher Power will applaud my work and the wonderful play that was created as the curtain closes and I exit stage right.

Hatred

Why do I hate myself? I look at the things I have accomplished and they are miraculous. I learned to drive at 40. I decided that enough was enough living with an alcoholic/drug addict. I have created two beautiful children. Have a good job where I really make a difference on a daily bases. I have friends that love and respect me. I have family that I am close too. Yet, I still look at myself in the mirror and think I’m shit. Where does this self hatred come from? I’m pealing the onion layer after layer. And as I explore I keep encountering these spots that I have to cut out. One spot that I keep encountering is hating myself. It as been an issue for me since I started this process of recovery. I have been looking into the possible why’s. One is that abused children hate themselves. They think they deserve the abuse somehow, that they are bad and caused It. My sister was very abusive. She would beat on me all the time from the age of 7 to about 12. I think she is the reason I hate myself. The strange thing is I have never ended up with a man that beat on me. I always thought I might. So maybe I have a little respect for myself. Also, I hate it when men objectify me like I am a sexual object. Many roles I have played in theater were the sexy bomb shell blonde. I ended up being viewed as that in everyday life. I don’t associate with men that make me feel cheap. Another indication that I don’t hate myself. So how do I make that voice shut up when I feel hurt and rejected? A friend suggested taking one day a week where I could only have positive thoughts about myself. I think that is a good idea. Another friend suggested I look in the mirror everyday and say “I’m beautiful and an amazing person.” I know I am God’s child and God doesn’t make junk. He loves me no matter what. I’m hoping that meditating and trying to feel the love my HP has for me and listening to friends will change my horrible attitude about myself.