Why Am I Angry God?

Hello God it’s me Cyndi. God, I’m having trouble with the people you are sending to me. I’m having trouble with relationships. How do I know if they are in my life for a reason, for just a short time, or for a lifetime, I wish I had a little light that would go off to tell me if I should even waste my time. How do I know that someone entering my life is not going to hurt me? How do I trust people God? How do I stop making unrealistic expectations? How do I make that go away? How do I stop expecting a emotional response or reaction from someone that is incapable of giving it to me.? And why do I assume that everyone knows what I expect? They are not mind readers. All it does is cause myself anger and disappointment. How do I stop expecting something so I won’t then get angry. Please God help me understand how to just trust you. To trust you to send me what I need in my life and that even if I’m hurt, the hurt will go away and a lesson will be learned.

Cyndi's Prayer

Are you there God? It’s me Cyndi, Please HP show me that you are in my life. I am open to your guidance and I surrender to your decision. But, I don’t know what you want me to do? I feel sometimes there is a blanket over my eyes and something happening but I can’t see it and am missing out on the action. All I can do is pray that I will see whatever you want me to see. Trust that you will remove the veil when it’s time. I am clueless. I feel every decision I’ve made up to this point was me playing God. Ego telling me to choose that option. Now, I really want to do your bidding, if you would just show me the way. Everyday I will get on my knee’s and humbly ask you to help me here. I can’t make any decisions on my own anymore, they have all been bad. Please God tell me what to do. Show me your will. Guide my thoughts words and actions. Please God hear your child, Cyndi. Amen.

Growth

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anais Nin
I feel like a bud that needs and wants to blossom. That if I don’t work on change that the risks of being safe is more painful than the fear of the unknown. As I work on self and try to grow, change happens even if I don’t want it too. I’m sadden by the loss of what was, and is no longer, in some cases Friends that I had early in recovery are just not tolerable anymore. I see the sickness in them still and realize I once viewed the world in the same way. I’m also finding that there are people in recovery that talk a good talk but don’t really live the principles. I suppose that is why principles before personalities is so important. I’m seeing some people that I thought were so strong in program and realize that they still struggle with anger, fear, controlling others, and judging. I see people who I thought were in the program for years and have it all figured out, resist change and dictate how the program should be organized and implemented without considering the newcomer. And I realize this is a life long journey. I will never be well, just better, And that I need to get used to change because it’s going to happen whether I like it or not. If it stops and I stop growing something is not right in my program. I feel like that bud, in Anais’ quote, struggling to open and become a beautiful flower. Painfully, resisting the growth but knowing that something beautiful awaits me.

Would the Real Cyndi Please Step Forward

“All the worlds a stage and all the men and woman merely players. They have their entrances and exits and one man in his time plays many parts.” William Shakespeare
This quote sums up how I feel about my life. I feel like like I have played many roles in my time. I was and I am an actress on stage and off. The roles I started playing at first were on a unconscious level. The “good” daughter. The “nark” The responsible one. The trust worthy one. As I got older and my intense shyness took over, I prayed to be anyone but Cyndi . I had no friends and was so lonely at an early age. Consciously, I wanted to figure out how to act like someone different. The person that had all the friends. The person everyone wanted to be with. I saw the way to learn how to act was through theater. I could learn how become someone else; and it worked. I became the person that had many friends. The girl that was funny and quirky. The girl that guys wanted to date but still had female friends. When I first started acting I thought if I could achieve “being liked” then I would be happy. The only problem was I always felt like if they knew the real Cyndi they would not like me. I beleive this is one of the reason I hate myself then and now. I am a sham, a fake. Would the real Cyndi please step forward. And if I do? I hear the boo’s in my head. So as a teenager I kept playing a role. Believing I didn’t deserve happiness and the great friends that I had. The nice, respectful, handsome men in my life. That role is still being played. Now, I don’t know who the real Cyndi is anymore. And as I relflect on it I wonder why I hate myself for being a fake because who I was when I was 14 is not who I am now. This is me, the role that I created has become part of me. I will always deal with the insecurities of being found out. But I have to remeber when I sit alone in a room I am the same person that I am in public. There is nothing to be found out. I am no longer a fake. What am I scared of? I don’t get boo’s as I take the stage of life and play this role named Cyndi. And the director of my play is happy with the choices I make. My Higher Power (the director) loves me no matter what I do in my play. He is even ok if I drop a line or rewrite the scene. Even when he knows the scene does not work as well with the rewrite, he lets me learn that lesson. So it’s time to let the fear of who I really am go. The real Cyndi can step forward and take her bow. And my Higher Power will applaud my work and the wonderful play that was created as the curtain closes and I exit stage right.

Hatred

Why do I hate myself? I look at the things I have accomplished and they are miraculous. I learned to drive at 40. I decided that enough was enough living with an alcoholic/drug addict. I have created two beautiful children. Have a good job where I really make a difference on a daily bases. I have friends that love and respect me. I have family that I am close too. Yet, I still look at myself in the mirror and think I’m shit. Where does this self hatred come from? I’m pealing the onion layer after layer. And as I explore I keep encountering these spots that I have to cut out. One spot that I keep encountering is hating myself. It as been an issue for me since I started this process of recovery. I have been looking into the possible why’s. One is that abused children hate themselves. They think they deserve the abuse somehow, that they are bad and caused It. My sister was very abusive. She would beat on me all the time from the age of 7 to about 12. I think she is the reason I hate myself. The strange thing is I have never ended up with a man that beat on me. I always thought I might. So maybe I have a little respect for myself. Also, I hate it when men objectify me like I am a sexual object. Many roles I have played in theater were the sexy bomb shell blonde. I ended up being viewed as that in everyday life. I don’t associate with men that make me feel cheap. Another indication that I don’t hate myself. So how do I make that voice shut up when I feel hurt and rejected? A friend suggested taking one day a week where I could only have positive thoughts about myself. I think that is a good idea. Another friend suggested I look in the mirror everyday and say “I’m beautiful and an amazing person.” I know I am God’s child and God doesn’t make junk. He loves me no matter what. I’m hoping that meditating and trying to feel the love my HP has for me and listening to friends will change my horrible attitude about myself.

Soothe The Savage Beast

My emotional state is like a strange animal, Sometimes I feel like a happy family dog, following the tools in the program and surrendering control to HP. I’m calm and life is good. Others times I’m biting at people like a wounded cat. Hissing my despair and lashing out at those trying to help. Sometimes I’m like a porcupine very untouchable and isolated. I wish I knew myself well enough to know the triggers that cause my emotional animal to react. I could then sooth the beast and avoid possible situations where I would have to make amends later. I realize why my behavior is wrong but I have trouble getting to the real reason I’m reacting . And I really do want to get to the cause and give it HP. I would rather be the happy joyous and free family dog then the wounded cat. And I’m sure so would others around me. So I apologize, hope they still love me, and go to meetings. I call my sponsor, work the steps, and I pray for the reason for my feelings. And I forgive myself, because I deserve to be loved even, if I’m wounded jungle cat sometimes.

Jealousy

I have been dealing with jealousy the last two days. I talked to my sponsor and she said to feel the emotion and find out where it’s coming from. I am trying to learn what jealousy is trying to teach me. I know that personal relationships are very important to me and I get jealous when friends discover other friends, guys I flirted with turn their attention away from me, or men I wish I had relationship, with date other people. I understand the sceneries of my jealousy, but I’m trying to figure out the why. Why am I jealous? What is making me jealous? Fear? Loneliness? Psychosis? If it’s fear, what am I afraid of losing? In some cases, I fear losing something, like a man, that was never mine to lose. Am I scared of being alone? Of course I am, but if I truly have a spiritual connection to my Higher Power then I am never alone. Am I crazy? This one scares me, because sometimes I think I’m insane. I have to be when I get jealous about a relationship that was never reality. I know that many of my jealousies are merely wishes in the wind. I wish I was with that person. I wish I looked liked her and her husband loved me like he loves her. I wish my wants were in Gods plan. So maybe knowing that they are just wishes makes me sane. Knowing does not make the pain go away. I just wish it didn’t hurt.

Sacrifice

“I cant be all things to all people. But I can be someone special to some people.” I heard this at a meeting last night and realized yes, in the past, I have tried to be all things to all people and felt guilty when I wasn’t able to do it. I know that is impossible but it was what I created to keep peace at home as a child. I thought I could make it easier for everyone. If I was just really careful and did everything I could for my mom and dad, then the household would not have any chaos. I have no idea why I thought this was my responsibility. I do know, early on, I was responsible for my little sister. My mom worked two jobs, and there was no one else she could trust to take care of her. I think this must happen a lot in poor families. I had to make sure she got up for school in the morning, ate breakfast, got to her classroom, was picked up after school, walked home and in bed by 8:00. I was 9. I essentially raised my sister and I’m surprised that she is not a mess being raised my a 9 year old. I tried to be all things to her. And to make my mom proud. I did that. I made my mom proud. I do wonder at what cost. I realize I really don’t know who I am now. I am what my mom wanted me to be. But How can I feel pity when that is exactly what HP wanted me to experience. I wouldn’t have this amazing job, great house and beautiful children without HP. I really should thank my mom and the pressures she put on me. Now as an adult she know longer pressures me and it‘s my turn to be someone special to some people. And take the invisible pressure off my shoulders.
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Responsibility

I tend to look outside of myself when I’m feeling angry, lonely, fearful, offended etc…But really I’M feeling that way. No one is “making” me feel that way. I can choose how to react to anything someone throws at me. I am responsible for my feelings. That’s a hard one for me. All my life I have been looking outside to tell me how to feel. And when I let someone get to me, hard for me to let go let God. It’s easier to blame someone else then take responsibility for my feelings
I think being aware of what I’m doing is helping me to become more responsible. I let myself feel the emotion then say ok. You chose to go to that place now you can choose to let it go as well. I think the “why” is more important than the feeling itself. The “why” helps me learn about myself. Why am I angry? Why am I hurt? When I figure out the “why,” I grow.

Limits

As I grow in my own program there are still people in my life that are not working on getting well. People I met that are not working program and I am starting to pull away from them for my own well being. I’m trying to do this in a loving and healthy way. So, I think it’s time to do some work on boundaries. Part of being codependent and in alanon is that I have warped since of what a boundary is or non at all. And I’m not sure how to set boundaries. I have been reading about how to do this, set a boundary . I have no clue how to do it and wouldn’t know where to start. I have been doing my enabling so long it’s all I know how to do. I am learning that you can’t set a boundary and take care of another’s feelings at the same time That a boundary is a limit. I tend to be really angry when I have finally had enough and set a boundary. Guess that is an unhealthy way of setting boundaries. I wish I had a Cyrano de Bergerac that could whisper in my ear how to set a boundary that is not all convoluted with enabling and dependency. I’m going to go put a prayer in my prayer box asking god to help me set boundaries because I have no clue how to do it. What I do know is that I can tell when something feels yucky now. That means I’m understanding what I don’t want. But guilt sets in sometimes when I try to take care of my emotional self. I ask god to take the guilt away. It’s the only thing I know to do this early in my recovery.

Reasoning Again

Reason, season, life time….. I think it’s time to write about this topic again. Some of my friends are disappearing as I grow and change.. I’m not sure it’s because I have changed and am slowly moving away from unhealthy people. Or if it’s that I am happier and many people feel the way I did. They are hating happy people because they are so sick and tired of the shit that their lives have become. Course it’s non of my business what they are thinking. And I shouldn’t let their cold indifferent behavior bug me, but I do for a second or two, write about here and give it to god. I know it is nothing I did. Just being me and focusing on being healthy. Why ,I wonder, does it bug people to see that. Why has their behavior changed toward me. Could be reason, season, life time? Maybe their job is done and we are moving on. Maybe I met them, we learned from each other, and now it’s time to go forward. I never know what my Higher Power has planned for me. Maybe better closer healthier friends are coming my way? I need to give unloving moody people to god and let them go Ego to me is edging God out and that is what I’m doing when I let people bother me.

Family Matters

I decided I need to write about my sister. Ever since she was arrested I have been feeling restless, insecure, and not one of God’s children. I actually said to someone I feel like I am nothing special. I imagine that my sister ’s arrest is making me feel this way. I’m trying to figure out why. I have great love for my sister. When I was younger she was my role model. My god. She could do no wrong. I think searching for my approval started with her. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t like me. Why she would hurt me and hit me. I kept thinking that it’s something I must have done. Some ugly part in my personality that needed to go away. I just didn’t know what part. I also remember that she used to say hurtful things as well. Like “Your brown eyes mean you are full of shit.” Everyone else in the family has blue eyes. Also “You’re such a nark.” I tried to take up for her and the repercussion were extreme usually from my dad. I tried to get her approval by doing what she did. I stole cigarettes for her and I got caught. I stole earrings and she black mailed me for months to do her chores. I eventually told my dad what I did. I figured his punishment was less then what I had already experienced. I still don’t understand why I wanted her approval, when everything I associated with her was painful. I think because she was my older sister. And now she in jail and I am resisting the urge to call my brother in law to find out what she is doing. I know I can’t help her and that it’s just going to make me crazy with worry. So I sit here and pray. And I keep going to meetings. And I will talk to my sponsor about it tonight. And I hope my sister is ok and learning more about herself with this experience.

Good Memories

Many times I write about the horrible childhood I had. But there were happy memories too. One was when we moved to Cincinnati. I had no friends and we were living in a very low income area. An area with families just trying to survive. At that time I wasn’t aware if there were drugs around me or not. I was seven and a latch key kid. I was home alone a lot. We lived in an apartment complex and as a white girl I was a minority. Again, I really wasn’t aware of that. I made friends with a sweet little black girl. I don’t even remember her name, what I do remember is her family. .She brought me home, and she had a huge family. I spent the summer with them What attracted me to them was the love and unity. The older girls taking care of the younger ones. The teasing, the corn row braiding in a line from oldest to youngest. They found things to do that were fun and cost no money. I learned to do all the seventies disco moves from them. They created a love for dancing in me. I also learned about prejudice from them. They would call each other the “N” word. I used it once and they told me I wasn’t allowed. I asked why? And they told me about prejudice. And how some white people treated them. I was ashamed for my race and I cried that this loving sweet family was treated with hate. They told me I could use it. Even at that age I realized the enormity of telling me it was ok to use that word. How forgiving that was too me, and that I was accepted. But I told then I would never use that word and I haven’t. I miss that family. I still dream about them and their kitchen table. I think I understood what family was supposed to be from them. I realized that I didn’t have a “normal” family but at least for a little while I was part of one.

Life on Life’s Terms

I think living “Life on Life’s terms” is accepting whatever life throws at me and dealing with it the best I can. Using the tools I have learned from my 12 step program. Life has not been kind to me lately. Falling out of love with my active qualifier, Dad getting cancer and is terminal and now my sister has been arrested for drug possession of Crystal Meth. I suppose I could just give up and put the covers over my head. Yell and scream at God. But that would just make me feel worse. I knew this was coming with my sister. She has always been the black sheep in the family. She was very abusive to me when I was young. and an out of control teenager. She has been doing some type of drug since she was a teenager, and has been addicted to crank for 25 years. I know that there is/was nothing I can do. Since she has been arrested it has been hard on my mom. She is having to deny her when she asks her to bail her out. She knows my sister will run and she will owe 10,000 bail. My sister has a disease and she will do anything to continue using . She has lied to my mom and I so many times. Why would we believe her now, when she says she won’t run? I knew that something like this was going to happen. She was either going to get arrested or die. I was hoping maybe she would get arrested because there is hope there she might get clean and healthy, before this drug kills her. My heart hurts for her children. They are in custody. That is really what is the hardest. My niece and nephew have been taken by the state. I have to accept that I can not do anything. I don’t have the money to go get them because I went to see my dad. That in itself must be for a reason. I’m glad I already went and saw my dad. I would hate to have to choose between the two. So I am accepting life on lives terms and I am praying. I know this is for a reason. I do hope she will get clean but if not there is nothing I can do about it. I accept that.

Your Not God?

A friend suggested I write on the topic of “False Dependence“. An emotional dependence upon other people and making them responsible for my progress instead of God. Wow, have I done this. For a split second I thought, wow, I must be pretty easy to read. And then I thought if I am, who cares, it’s true! I have depended on others all my life to tell me who I am. Too save me from myself. To make me well. When I first started the program I searched for the 12 step God in a person. Of course I didn’t find him or her. Why can’t anyone live up to my expectations? They all come crashing down from the pedestal I put them on. Of course when you put people on a pedestal the only place they can go is down. Unfortunately or fortunately, they always fall short of my expectations. Wonder why? What they aren’t God?

Bill W. states in his letter to a fellow AA member; "My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came so did my depression.”

Bill W. also came to believe that a power greater than his “God” could restore him to sanity and not people in his life. I realize that this false dependence on others is because I don’t trust myself. And my spiritual foundation was not a very strong one. I have always prayed and felt a connection to a Higher Power, but trusting that power and surrendering to him/her has been hard. There is a fear of the unknown. What if I don’t like what God has planned? And facing that lack of control and surrendering was and is really hard. I remind myself that the control I had over my life was false. I have no control. So I surrender daily to God. I have to be diligent. I take back control all the time and have to surrender it again. I catch a thought, maybe this person has all the answer. Again, I have to stop, pray, and give that job to God. There is a constant daily battle between my control, false dependence and then surrendering to God. But I will continue to redo step 3 because I am getting better at surrendering. I feel myself getting healthier and more spiritually fit. And that is because I’m relying on God, not people to be responsible for my progress.

Let Me Live

Live and let live seems to be my Higher Power theme for me this week. I pulled it as a topic, Thursday, and shared my feelings about it. How I need to stay out of people business. But that damn topic keeps coming up again. I am surprised in the way HP is showing me his/hers intention. I would think it would be about me getting into others business and trying to “help” them fix whatever is wrong. But instead it others getting into my business and telling me how to fix my life and how to act. And saying they are trying to help me. I don’t understand how some take my inventory and when I call them on they are unable to see that what they did was not ok. I understand that the underlying motivation is concern and caring about me at the same time I need to make my mistakes on my own. I need to decide what’s “best” for me. And if that means my action are probably going to cause me pain then that’s my path. My character flaws are mine to work out no one else’s business. Especially, if what I am doing is hurting no one. I am grateful now for people taking my inventory because it has made me stronger in my recovery. I now have the ability to see that what I do is my business and if you want to judge me thats your choice. Just keep it to yourself. I have my own program I’m doing and it’s no ones business but mine how I chose to work it. So I say fuck off busy bodies. Deal with your own problems and let me deal with mine.

Forgiving Me

Many times I write in my blog about forgiveness. Having to forgive the people that did me wrong in my life. But I realized recently that I also have a lot of amends to make as well. And I don’t know if I will be forgiven as easily. I have used sexuality as a ego boost, a weapon, to regain control in a crazy life. I realized I have been very self-centered in the past and very ego driven and that I still am. With little regard to who I was hurting because I needed my drug, my ego boost, my approval. And anyone that got in my way was sure to get my wrath., especially females. “How dare you take my drug away!” “Was getting some nice ego boosting there.” I realize I am looking for who I am and how good I am from outside and not finding it from within. Sometimes I do get it. I realize that I am God’s child and who cares what any one thinks, not my business anyway, God loves me. Sometimes I freak out and take the control back. That’s when it gets ugly. I get mad and I insult anyone who I think has wronged me. I blame and I run away. Then I have to make amends. Some have forgiven me, others choose to not have me in their life. And that is ok. I do realize that it will take some time to give this drug up, not relying on outside validation. I'v been doing it since I was 6. But I will live in today only. I will pray to my Higher Power to help me stop and take a minute before I react. And if I falter, I will make amends and eventually forgive myself. I realize that if God can forgive me I should be able to forgive me.

approval

My week has been a roller coaster ride of learning and lessons. I feel like the coaster has sped up and is rounding a sharp bend. Sunday, I realize that I am an addict that is addicted to approval. Sunday night, I come into chat and someone says to me “God Cyndi I’m so sick of you. You are whiney, you always have to be liked and you say things that are not true.” This hurt because I respected the person and they disproved of me. They put me on ignore so I couldn’t respond or make amends or work through it. I realized that this was a lesson from my Higher Power. To let go let God. Also, a lesson about gossip and how destructive it is. I have to remember in the program its principles not personalities. Monday, I crashed and burned in the al-anon meeting and had the feeling that everyone disproved of my action. So, I shared about my feelings and I realized I’m ok with someone that is not happy with my behavior. Not my business if they don’t like me or disapprove of me. I do my best to find out if I was at fault and make amends if it is.. And let it go if I can’t change it. I have come to the conclusion that I want healthy people in my life. People that will communicate with me if they feel hurt or wronged. True friends, that don’t listen to gossip, can make apologies and accept them. Friends that don’t attack and hurt people in open forums. This is my new healthier way of thinking and I like it and it feels right. That’s all that matters is that I am getting better. I’m not here to save the world one person at a time. I’m not here to get everyone’s approval either.

God Wants me to be Happy

Does God want us to be happy? I think that our definition of Higher Power or God is very personal. My god/goddess loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy but gives me the choice to be unhappy if I want to be. And when I’m ready to surrender and ask for help, folds me back into his /her loving arms for comfort. I sometimes feel like a stubborn child telling the world that I know how to do it. I don’t need help. And when I fall flat on my face and run to my HP for comfort for a skinned knee, or in my case a bruised ego, a lost job, an expectation that wasn’t fulfilled, I fall into my HP arms I start to be happy again. Why do I continue to try to take the control back? Lose the trust? I guess it’s the nature of my disease. I know best because I have always taken control and “fixed” things. But I remind myself if it was truly fixed, why do I feel like shit? And why do I feel so much better when I let Hp work it out for me? Thank God/Goddess for the 12 step program. It has helped me find my way to my Hp’s loving arms. And showed me how to live my live. Without control and with trust in my HP. I do believe God wants us to be happy because she/he loves us I know that now.

The Reason for Being

Today there was a discussion about love in the chat room. I also read a blog that a friend wrote and it too talked about love and using love as a spiritual tool. When ever a subject keeps popping up I think it’s my Higher Power telling me to explore it and write about it. I think love is part of all humanity and it is one of the first emotions that we feel as children; love and anger. I think my Higher Power created me for this purpose to love be loved and to experience everything in between. Why not? Since it so prevalent in everyday life; movies, poetry, novels, music, and all over the internet. The search is always on to love and be loved. I have tried to love people unconditionally, accept them for who they are and the trials they are experiencing on the path they have chosen. At the same time I think there’s different kinds of love. Unconditional, sexual, friendship, parental, family. I don’t think we should categorize love as one type only. I don’t feel the same way about my children then I do about a homeless stranger I’m giving food too. But I still can love that homeless stranger as one of gods children. When I give love I get love. And I have a better way of life with those around me, they can see that I care. So that is my goal, to love others unconditionally, and for those special people in my life to love deeply and personally. I’m sure my higher power will help me reach it. If not I’m sure I will write about that too. After all that’s why I am here to learn, explore and love.

Celebrate

Sometimes when you let a situation that is bothering you, just be for awhile, and don’t jump to assumptions and conclusions, it works itself out. Many times my perception of reality is a little tweaked. I tend to analyze and come to the wrong outcome. I always do this and sometimes I make it worse that way. I feel like a drug addict that has “gone back out” when I go back to those sick behaviors. I really would like to stop doing this, but how? Yesterday, I tried to work it out in my head, make amends and let it go. I kept praying for serenity and giving it to hp. So hard! I need to call my sponsor more I just feel that sometimes my issues seem petty to me. Silly and stupid. But again that is my warped sense of reality. I know she wouldn’t feel that way. If it’s bothering me, it’s something that needs to be worked out. I need to focus on baby steps. Not try to change all my behavior at once. My therapist reminds me, every time we meet, how far I have come since January. I tend to blow off the accomplishes I have made and focus on what still needs work. But how can I approach the next issues if I don’t celebrate the healthy work I just did? I can’t, so today I celebrate my independence, and my love for hp. And I look around and focus on what I am so grateful for and not what I still have to work on. Just for today!

Clarity

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.” “ The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” That’s the hard one for me, the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and can not change. It also hurts a lot, beating my head against a wall till I call my sponsor and go back to step 3. I wish I was wise enough to see it right away. I wish I knew when to give up. Would save me a lot of grief and heart ache. But I can’t see that I’m am powerless until it’s left me hurting and feeling self pity. How do I find clarity? Prayer? It’s the only thing I can think of to do. And to give it back to god when I realize I can’t do anything about it. I will work on finding the serenity to acept the things I can not change.

Live and Let Live

I’m struggling with how to keep my nose out of other people’s drama even when I’m pulled into it. And how to keep a friendship going when I resent the fact I was pulled into their fears and worries. How to balance friendship advice and my own recovery. I tend to want to help, fix the problems of people I love and I have to resist that impulse. But I do get sucked in when someone comes to me with concern or fear. And I give my experience as advice. Advice which is not well received usually. And then I feel betrayed somehow. Why ask me then if they don’t want to hear what I have to say. For my own sake I need to resist the impulse to react and respond. Sometime I feel like I’m 12 again learning how to interact with others. When I looked into this problem from an Al-Anon point of view, “Live and let Live” popped up. This is the slogan I should be repeating. Buddy T says that after years of living somebody's else life and looking after others it was hard to look just after Buddy T. I feel the same way easy for me to worry about everyone else. Hard for me to take care of me. So I will keep exploring and trying not to give advice from my own experiences that are very unhealthy. I have to find the way to balance . Because what I feel today is not healthy or fun.

Self-Righteousness

I know that people read my blog and I try to be honest and positive in my writing as I work toward recovery. But I am also just as sick and messed up as everyone else. I suppose the difference is I’m just willing to write about it and be honest for anyone that cares to read about it. And maybe they might feel better. Maybe realize they are not alone in their recovery. On that note, I want to be honest about my tendency to be self -righteous. That word has been showing up in my life lately. In the readings I do, in step chat and I’ve been pulling that word out of a box in my woman’s Na group They have heard it all from me the good and the bad. And they still look at me with love in their eyes. So I feel better about sharing here. Sometime I catch myself judging others. I see someone new in recovery and I feel above them somehow. If they come over and want something from me, it’s worse. I think it must be all the low life’s my sister brought home that stole from our family and did drugs in front of my little sister. I left the word “low life’s” in because that is my judging coming out. Seeing them beneath me, lower in life, then me. I realize mentally that they are sick and I’m just a hop and a skip from where they are, yet I still get that little voice saying “low life” The reason I am aware of this is someone at a pot luck last night at The AA clubhouse a man came over to me and wanted to take the computer away from my son. To go on a chat site. He kept insisting even though I said no. He finally left, but I judged him all night. Even today I thought about him and what a low life he was. Why? To make myself feel better? Maybe by judging him I’m validating that I the good one in the program? I know how wrong that thinking is. And all the reading I done up to this point validates how wrong that thinking is. But to not jump straight to that attitude is hard for me. Judging is very deeply embedded I think. So the only thing I can do is call myself on it. Like today,. Tell the world how messed up I am and ask hp to help me with my faults. And strive to be a less judgmental person.

Trusting

People say bad things happen in threes. I came back from Dallas in a dark state. My work tells me they are cutting back my money and students because of my “personal” problems. I just kept saying what the hell?? Why does everything bad have to happen all at once? I think it would be easier to deal with if it was spread out over time. Sometimes I get jealous of happy people. I feel selfish and petty But sometimes I get annoyed when someone comes up to me and says life is good. How are you doing? Usually I say Fine. Why should I bring them down with my shit. I just feel like I need some happy positive things happening when I have this going on. But then I wonder if I would recognize it as such. Maybe everything seems dark even the good things. I have been in this place before, I recognize it well. The difference now is I go to meetings and I get support I know that god will send the advice I need if I just stay patient. And he does. At the meeting I went to right after work an old timer in NA said I have to accept the way things are, good, bad or indifferent. He said when one door closes another opens and that it’s HP plan. He also said that it’s hard to see Hp plan when bad stuff happens until it’s all over. That trusting is the key to getting through it and everything will make since He said this in a share. He did not even know I needed those words. But HP did. So I am trusting and writing down the things I am grateful for. I am trying to listen to HP clues. And I am trying hard to take it as it comes, one day at a time. It is the only choice I have because the alternative is being miserable..

Pain and Love

I was hesitant about writing today, because I feel numb and shell shocked from the experience in Dallas. My sister and I went down there to see my dad. The first day we arrived we missed our flight. We had to catch the later flight and we arrived very late. My aunt’s roommate decided to wake my dad up to see us. He looked terrible. Pale as a ghost. I don’t think my sister had accepted the fact that he was dying until that moment. She had to leave the room and cry. This happened for 3 days. I stayed strong for her. Giving her support and strength. On Wednesday my dads surgery was unsuccessful. On Thursday, he went into a diabetic comma because the nurses didn’t test his sugar. I got him to drink some juice by screaming at him to wake up and drink it. My voice somehow got through to him. He cried and said he didn’t mean to scare me. I told him it wasn’t his fault. That he didn’t do anything. I had to leave the room. I had reached my breaking point.
When someone close to you is in that condition. Every hurt feeling seems small and petty. It is easy to forgive. My sister and dad have not been that close since he lived in California. She was angry at him for a very long time. That all went away last week. Evaporated like a bad dream. I think that is HP plan in some cases. My sister asked me, “why he is having to die this way, so slowly?”. I think, so that there is closure for everyone and forgiveness. Last week was hell on earth, but seeing my sister and dad get close again was a gift from god. I feel closer to both of them now for having that experience. But I wish now we could have more time with him.

Acceptance

I’ve been thinking about acceptance lately. I’m having to give a lot of things to god that I can’t control. My dad’s cancer, my father-in laws cancer. My job that is up in the air. My husband disease and lack of motivation. Yesterday, I felt like a slave and that life was becoming a pit again. I was jealous of all the happy people around me. So I decided to once again accept the reality of my situation. This is my life. If I don’t like it, change it. Stop complaining and accept it for what it is good and bad. I went to a meeting and they asked if anyone had a topic I said yes, acceptance. After the meeting one of the ladies came over to me and said. Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice. That really hit home. I was choosing to be miserable and feeling sorry for myself. One of the other woman found a reading about acceptance. Individual’s accept rather then resent. I can either accept it or get filled with resentment. Resentment makes me feel sick and ugly and does no one any good. I am very grateful that I have a place to go to when I get like this. Thank god for my 12 step program and the people in it with experience behind them. Thank god for meetings to remind me how grateful I really should be.

Forgiving

I have been working the codependency steps with my sponsor. We are working through a book that has me list and explore how my childhood as affected me and the way I view the world. My Dad and sister had a big role in my negative experiences. I’ve been thinking about both of them a lot lately. Especially my dad, because he has been fighting colon cancer and is having surgery next week. I’m going to see him and I’m going with a light heart because I have forgiven him for the childhood abuse. I suppose I could hate both my sister and dad for what they did to me, but I don’t. For me to truly recover I need to forgive them and understand them. I know that they were doing the best they could in the hell that we were all in. My sister grew up in the same household I did so I know why she is a drug addict and why she was abusive to me. My dad is mentally ill and had a horrible childhood as well. I understand the illness they had and have. I understand because I had it too. Insecurity, low self -esteem, fear and self pity. I’m so glad that I sought help and have a sponsor helping me work the steps. Giving me the tools to connect to my kind, forgiving, god. Because now I can forgive as well. And I pray for my dad and sister that they find the same peace I did and that they can forgive each other too.

Quiet Growth

I had a birthday, recently, and traditionally my mother and younger sister get together and have a girls night out. It felt different this time around. I looked into their eyes and I had overwhelming feeling of gratitude. And I told them both how grateful I was to have them in my lives. I have always been close to them but now I tell them how much I appreciate them. I realized how much I have grown in the last year. Recovery is a day by day work in progress. Changes take place slowly, and quietly. Because progress is so slow and gentle I I didn’t realize I had changed very much. But my sister and mother did. They said that I was really depressed and unhappy on my last birthday and it was good to see me laugh and enjoy life again. I have changed and found my inner glow again. I realize I have become this person because of my hard work and following the program’s suggestions. Going to meetings, reading literature etc.. I also realize that my Higher Power has a huge role in my ability to let things just be what they are. I trust now that I am loved and forgiven and on the right path if I’m actively involved in my quest for happiness. I’m am looking forward to the person I will be on my next birthday.

Love

Someone asked in a chat room if anybody could define spirituality and connection to their Higher power in one word, what would it be. I remember love came up and that made me pause and think. How do I feel about my god? How would I define the spiritual connection? I think I my definition for the connection is love, unconditional love. I am loved and accepted by higher power even when I make bad choices. I am forgiven and supported by my god. When I first realized this, it was such a relief. I was able to forgive myself because I was loved and started to heal. I came to the realization that love is healing for me and those that have harmed me. And that if I treat people with unconditional love and forgiveness, I will help them heal also. So I tried it in my life. I watched someone treat another person unfairly and I said I love you but I don’t understand why you are hurting that other person. It immediately diffused the situation. I started saying I love you more often to the friends that I am grateful for in my life and I received it back. That one little word has so much power! I will continue to use love as a healing tool for myself. I hope people I give my love to will start to use it and feel it in their lives. Because I realize how much it helped me in my recovery and with my connection to my higher power.

Fear

I’ve been thinking about fear lately. I think fear is guiding my life and has been since I was young. When anything you say may cause pain emotionally and physically you get used to living with fear. I went to the chiropractor yesterday and he said I had a very old injury that he’s going to work on getting rid of. This is how I feel about some of my issues. Very old emotional injuries. I have to keep working on to let go. Fear is an old emotional wound that bleeds on all aspects of my life. Work, relationships and trying new things. I understand why I have it. I don’t want to get physically or emotionally hurt. But if I let it guide my life I’m not really living to my fullest potential that Hp planned for me. And the interesting thing about fear is once I face it head on it goes away. It’s not easy taking chances. It take a lot of courage to get past the panic. But I have done it. And I know I can again. I have to trust hp that he will take care of me. That the wounds I may encounter will heal and make me a better person.

The No Good Very Bad Day

It is funny to sit here on a good day and wonder to myself what my problem was yesterday. Why was I in my head so much? Why did I feel so horrible and emotional? Of course it’s hard to seek help when you’re feeling like shit. When I am that terrible out of control place, that’s when I really need the program and someone to talk to. The trick is realizing I need the help and reaching out and getting it. Many times I feel psycho and out of control and I either think I can handle it on my own or that I don’t want to bother my sponsor about it. But that’s what my sponsor is there for. And that is why I have a contact list, to call someone if I need to. I know that one of the main reasons for relapse is not going to meeting and not working the steps. I have not opened my al-anon book for about month now. Yesterday I picked it up again. Today I feel better. Maybe I will get to a point where I don’t wait so long to use the tools that I have to feel better. I think the more I realize what I need for my recovery is the better I will get at handling the “bad” days.

Letting Go

Why do I hold on to relationships that are so difficult to keep going ? Many times it seems like I’m the only one that cares. That some people are being my friend out of niceness. That’s pretty sick to think that. Pretty insecure and comes from a place of low self-esteem. Because I think I’m a great friend to have. So. if I feel that way why do I keep trying to have that person in my life that doesn’t want to be there? It’s like I keep picking at a scab. I start to heal and I go back for more hurt. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am insane when it comes to relationships I think. That’s how I feel when I get hurt over and over again. I think part of my hurt is I feel like it’s a great friendship and then that person is “done” with me. I think, I must have caused this change. And I obsess over what I must have done. I know it’s not my fault. That’s it’s not all about me. That everyone is living their own lives and it may have nothing to do with me at all. I have to realize that not everyone I encounter in my life is meant to stay there. And once the reason for them being in my life is over to let them go. But I don’t know how to do that yet. Maybe ask HP, or pray for guidence. Maybe, write a goodbye letter and never send it. I will be working on this issue for awhile, I know.

Expectations

I feel disappointed and sad that someone was not who I thought they were. Do I have the right to feel that way when they are unable to live up to my expectations? And why is it their job to be what I want them to be? People are going to be what they want to be. Not who I think they should be. I sit here in the dark and wonder if my expectations are too high for the people around me and I’m ultimately and always going to be disappointed? Because people are living their lives as best as they can. They are not here for me, they are here for them. My childhood was not good, and I always thought that I wish I could have been spoiled like some little cheerleader , wishing to have that life and not mine. I thought I was able to empathize with other people who had a rough childhood. I didn’t think I was better then anyone else. How could I when I was so poor and living in chaos. But I don’t think that’s true. I think I act like a little princess sometimes expecting to be catered too. And I wonder where this ego , holier then thou attitude comes from. The only explanation is that I think I’m better because I’m not an alchie. That because I have the “control” and take care of everyone else, I am the better person. But that’s just not true. I’m just as sick and needing a 12 step program as any addict. And the more I write and examine my negative emotions the more I realize how ill I really am and how much work I have ahead of me. I will have to take it one day at a time and stop myself when I’m setting up unrealistic expectations.

The Pit

It’s interesting that you can dig yourself a huge pit with a big shovel called fear and insecurity. That you can dig it so deep that you fall in. And realize that it is a dark, lonely, place and you need to get out. You work yourself up, slowly because you keep falling back in, but you don’t give up. You keep reaching for HP. And finally, you see the light, and feel the warmth on your face. You get the connection again and wham! Someone, that is not in recovery, tries to push you back in the pit. Blames you for the way they are feeling. Blames you and the program and for resisting going down that hole again. But you go back to the tools, the things you have learned in recovery and decide that you are not going down in that hole again today. And you stay strong to fight, so that it’s your choice to go down there again not someone elses. And you able to stay out of the pit of pity, fear and self loathing for another day.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

I am starting to notice that people in my life have a purpose. And I’m perplexed as to why. Many people in a 12 step program say people are in my life for a reason, season, or lifetime I was curious about what that really meant.
When people come into my life for a reason, they come into my life to meet a need. A prayer that has been sent out and is being answered. They have something to teach me. And once that lesson is learned, they will leave me just as quickly. When that happens the need as been fulfilled.
When people come into my life for a season that means it’s my turn to share, love and grow. And I should get a great amount of joy from that relationship. But it comes to an end just like a season does. And then there’s a lifetime.
People that are in my life for a lifetime are there to teach me life lessons. And it’s my job to learn from them and accept the lesson.
What I’m still wondering about is why people come into my life and rub me the wrong way or annoy me. I do think that they are also there for a reason and I think they have sometime to teach me. And that lesson is many times hard fought. And very hard to see past the emotional reaction I have every time I see them. I think if I take a moment and breath and say why am I pissed I might get an answer. Many times I look at a person and say; “you have the qualities I hate in myself, that’s why I don’t like you. “ You’re my mirror making me look at my flaws.” I think if I understand why I are reacting, then I can move on to the lesson or the acceptance that Hp intended by putting that person in my life.

Light the Way

My head is so active sometimes I wish I could shut it off. I wonder if that is from my childhood, and the things I experience or just me, part of my personality. Sometime I feel like a ninja running around, analyzing every one as a possible threat or thinking every shadow has a possible enemy. I sometimes see my Higher Power as this glowing light that moves across the people that I know and the shadows in my mind. That light reveals everyone as they really are. Makes the shadows go away. The people might be good or bad , no longer a mystery and I can accept them as they are . Because I see their true nature, a child of God. When I lose touch with my higher power that is when the shadows come back. And that’s when I call my sponsor and use the tools to get the light in my life back.

The BIg Question

It is interesting this thing called being human. So much pain and suffering so much love and joy. I am in a very introspective mood today asking the question; Why do we exist?” In the bible it says that God made this beautiful world and he wanted his children to live on it. I think the earth is beautiful and very much a gift. I’m blessed as one of God’s children to live in the home he built. Even when I’m feeling the yin side of life, I understand that there has to be a balance in this tiny existence called living. How do I truly understand the joys of life if I haven’t experience the hardships? The love if I haven’t experience the hate? The light if I haven’t experience the dark? I think for me the key word is balance. I will have good days and “bad”. And it’s how I react and relate to life’s yin yang that is the most important. I exist to experience I believe and to experience it with the passion and acceptance god intended. I do not want to die, realizing that I didn’t take advantage of everything that life had to give me.

It Aint Easy Being Green

Even though I have the stomach flu, I feel like it is still important for me to write. Because I reminding myself that I’m still grateful. I know that physical illness can make you feel sorry for yourself. And lose touch with HP. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I’m grateful that the nausea comes in waves. And then passes. I know that this illness too will pass. I love HP and me, for having the ability to laugh at my myself and see beyond the physical discomfort. I need HP in my life to get me through times like these and I’m going to use this down time (between puking, lol) to thank him/her and strengthen my connection.

Day by day

I realized today that I have good days and bad days. I feel like sometimes I take a step backwards in my recovery because those habits are still there. Today, it was about analyzing. I tend to analyze everything and sometimes my conclusion are correct and sometimes they are not. I know that it is something I learned for protection. Protection from abuse and heartbreak. But I don’t need protection anymore if I trust HP and realize I don’t have control over anything but me. Also, I have the tools now. I called my sponsor to talk it out with her. Wow, was that valuable. She said when you have days like that, don’t beat yourself up over it. You are Gods child and are beautiful inside and out.. You deserve love and deserve to be loved just like everyone else on this planet. We are all the in this together and we all make mistakes. You are no better or worse then anyone else. My biggest challenge is going to be loving myself. I realize that now. By the way not takiing myself seriously only lasted a day. (I laugh about it, so Cyndi)

Have Fun, Damit!

A friend suggested I write about not talking life and myself too seriously. I think that’s funny and very perceptive. I have been focusing on recovery in a very serious way. It’s a very serious subject after all. Right! Why not have fun as well. I do have the ability to laugh at myself, I’m a complete dork sometimes, and a klutz. Just ask my students throughout the years. Somewhere in the last 6 years with work, children, and responsibility I “grew up“. My personal life has become serious and, frankly, not that much fun. My “child” only really came out in the classroom. I think that is probably part of the reason for my depression at home. “All work and no play makes Cyndi a dull girl“. So the next couple of days I’m going to focus on my childlike side and have some fun. After all, “life is a cabaret my friend” why not enjoy my revovery and have some fun with it!

Insanity

Insanity-extreme folly; senselessness; foolhardiness. In Al-anon step two is: We came to believe a power greater then us could restore us to sanity. I felt insane before I came to Al-anon and I still do sometimes. The difference is I have some tools now to deal with my anger, resentment, and of course my fear of loss. Yesterday I was afraid of losing money, friendship, and stability. The fear turned to anger. I was angry last night and I woke up this morning angry. I felt like I wanted to scream at the sky and ask HP why is this happening to me? I felt insane! This morning I said to myself; “god, I feel like I’m losing my mind!” And then I remembered step two and I said; “wait I’m going to give this to my HP.” I kept trying to let if go to god but I was still angry. So I made a list of all the stuff that I was pissed about. Actually, noted how long it was, and I closed my eyes and in my mind I saw my HP’S hand taking the list. I felt his/hers acceptance and support and that everything is going to be ok. I let the anger go and burned the list. I also sat down and wrote what I was grateful for, as reminder that I have a long list of those things too. I no longer feel insane. I am so glad that I am learning how to use the tools to feel better and get healthy again

worry

It’s very early for me. But I was laying there in dark and staring at the ceiling. I decided to write what is on my mind. I am sad today. I I think it’s about loss. My active alchie husband whom I trying to detach from and separate from was fired yesterday from his job. A friend has decided to take a break from his online friends, and my bosses won’t look me in the eye because they know I’m not happy about my job situation. All three are about loss. And fear about the future. I had a dream last night my husband was using again. I think he might self medicate because of this loss. I know I can’t control his action if he does, he does. And he will be outside of the house quicker. I’m feeling that trapped feeling again though . If we can’t work it out, I guess there’s not a perfect time to leave but it would be easier for my conscious if he had a job and he could support himself. I know that is not healthy. And it something I have to work on. About my friends who is leaving his online friends. Again I can’t control that. Completely out of my hands. And I have to trust Hp that if were supposed to stay friends we will. Thinking about my job next year is fruitless. There is no way I can know what’s going to happen.. And really it’s non of my business what my bosses are thinking about me. I have to try to live in today, not yesterday or tomorrow. If I don't I'm going to have a lot more nights waking me up at 5:00 in the morning staring at the ceiling. All I can do is ask god to take away my worry.

On second thought

As I sit here this morning after sleeping on what happened yesterday and I realize that watching someone get verbally abused and saying nothing because it’s non of my business does not sit well with me. I almost deleted last nights blog, but I didn’t, because I understand that recovery is a process . And I want to be able to go back and look at the steps I did and the issues I encounter within myself. My thoughts on bulling is that I really would like to try to defuse it from a place of love, for both the bully and the bullied. I believe Hp plan is perfection and if I am there, then maybe, I can defuse the issues and if I can’t then at least I tried. He sent me to see what is happening for a reason. I also believe that hp has a plan for the bully and the bullied. I want to give it my best and then give it to god. As a human being I think we have a responsibility to try to defuse negativity if we can. But if we can’t then we should give it to god to take care or.

Oh Bother!

Today I let someone bother me. She annoyed and angered me. She was picking on someone else and I wanted to help that person. I know, I have a good heart and sometimes it makes it so I don’t mind my own business. I was repeating that actually. Trying to get her to realize that it was non of her business what this man was doing. But what I didn’t realize was the gift she was giving me. To see that no matter how much I think I have changed, the old stuff will still come out, if I let it. And I also know that Hp will help me when that happens because he sends his angels that see through the shit and call me on it. Because they are there too. People strong in the program that remind me that it’s not any of my business if someone is being mean, it’s between them. And the Alanon literature giving me the tools to not let myself get pulled in next time.

A little more on faith.

I want to write a little more about faith because my faith was tested today at work. My bosses want me to change my job and location. I will have to leave coworkers that I love and will be working primarily with people I don’t really know. Also, I may be having added responsibilities without a pay raise. Of course I was worried at first. All I can to is state my concerns. Really my bosses have already made the decision that I am going, I can tell. So I either accept it or change jobs. I have to trust that my hp knows what he/she is doing and that it is for me to experience or part of something that ultimately is a positive, I am just not able to see the plan yet. So, yes, my faith gets tested. But I have to continue to trust and know my hp loves me and wants what’s best for me.

Faith

I think my hp wants me to talk about faith. All the shows I watched yesterday had a faith theme. And people have been asking me how I have faith. I try and listen to what hp wants me to look at and write about. It is something I struggled with when I was doing steps 1-3. I really had to look at my beliefs and come to terms with what they were. I have a very interesting background in religion. I went to a catholic school even though I wasn’t Catholic. My father was a Buddhist and was really into transcendental mediation. I was basically raised mediating with a mantra and doing yoga. My mother was a Methodist and we went to her church. The one gift my mother and father gave me was they said explore faith and religion because it’s personal. And I did explore it. Went to different churches and explored Wicca. I was saved in high school but later was turned off to religion because I found out my mother was the mistress of my pastor. I thought it was very hypocritical because he was married with children and preaching against sin. So, I was Agnostic for a couple of years. Always, I was spiritual though. After I had kids I kind of lost my connection to my high power because I was too busy with them. I forgot myself really. The program helped me to try to get that back. I didn’t fully get the connection back until I started trusting. People have asked me how I keep faith when bad things happen. I have to trust that there’s a higher plan for me and I just can't see it yet. And that other people are also involved in HP plan.. If I lose someone to death I know I will see them again and it’s what was meant to be. That it was perfection and what was planned for that soul. I guess my faith stems from all the exploring I have done about religion. And I’ve kind of taken the best piece from each for me to use.

Just for Today

Last night someone read my blog and said they were irritated by my finger pointing. They said I know your alanon but take responsibility for you. Stop pointing fingers at others and blaming them for you problems. Now I could have taken that personally and really dwelled on it. Obsessed about it and got manic about it. This is what I would have done in the past. But I didn’t. In fact it didn’t even hurt my feelings and I didn’t obsess about it. Which is amazing and shows me how far I have come in my recovery. I said I will think on it. And I put it out there for hp. I figured if this is something I should work through then hp will tell me. And of course, today, I went to a meeting and the topic was choices we make. I open the Just for Today book under choices and lo and behold pointing fingers is the discussion. Well, I guess hp wants me to look at that today. It said pointing fingers is a choice I can make. But that it usually leads to resentment and bad feelings. And that forgiveness is a choice too. I think I need to stop pointing fingers and saying; "I’m like this because of my dad, my sister, my active alcoholic husband". I’m where I am today because I choose to be healthy or unhealthy. I choose to either dwell on the past or take it one day at a time. So I decide today that I will not point fingers. And I hope, if I do point fingers, someone calls me on it.

Today was about anger. Not my anger but others. I discussed it in a conversation with two people and opened up to anger in my alanon book. I listen to my HP and I know he/she wants me to write about anger. I have been around people all my life that are so angry. Angry at others but in reality angry at themselves. My father, sister and husband. And I have been the brunt of the anger. My sister in her hate at the “good” child. My father for his anger at my out of control sister taking it out on me. He actually kicked a plate into my face so hard I had to get stitches and plastic surgery. And my husband for me just being a convenient outlet. I guess abusive anger is common to an alcoholic and drug addict and that is what I have encounter in the past with my sister and husband. I could have resentment for these people in my life. But what good would that do me. I would turn into them. No, I choose instead to tell them I don’t like it and to stay out of there way when they are angry. I realize it’s not me it’s them. I still have to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong. I actually pity them, which I know is not healthy, but it must suck to be so pissed all the time. And I remind myself daily that I can’t “fix” it. I’m hoping that I will get to a point where I don’t feel bad or guilty for thinking I caused the anger. I know I’m feeling that less and less. As I remind myself that I didn’t cause it. Can’t cure it. And I can’t control it.

I realize that my recovery will always have ups and downs. That there is going to be good days and bad days. I didn’t become sick overnight and I won’t become healthy overnight. What helps me get thru the bad days is realizing that they are less frequent. I am also noticing that the “triggers” are other people. Or at least I blame them. I let others dictate how I feel. I have a good day, if I’m treated well or what I think is well, by people around me. And If someone ignores me, is angry or defensive with me, then I am devastated and I cry. I realize now that that resentment is part of my illness and many times it not the reality of the situation. It’s an assumed wrong and delusional many times. It’s none of my business what others are thinking about me. And everyone is dealing with their own shit. Why should or would they care about my shit or offending me. So I stop and I say the serenity prayer and I write. And I feel better. And I try not to think about what may happen tomorrow. Because I can’t see into the future. Only my HP knows what will happen and I trust him/her to help me accept the things I can not control.

Everyday I am shocked and surprised at the support my hp is giving to me in my life. Of course I am also helping him/her by being a better listener. The more I surrender the more support I get. I was almost talked out of going to an all woman’s meeting tonight. But I stayed strong and I listened to myself and I went. It was an incredible meeting. Not only did I pull the world spiritual connection to discuss as a topic, but the woman that shared were so amazing and strong in their recovery. And there were the most beautiful and sweet babies with the purest smiles. If you want a stronger spiritual connection look into a babies eyes when they smile at you. That is pure love. I felt so connected to my higher power in that meeting. And I came home and today’s reading in Hope for Today is on spiritual connection and let “Go and let God“. I wish I could show other people how to let “Go and let God“. But it’s such a personal thing. All I can do is say it’s possible and when you are able to trust your higher power you have all that love and support given to. Things just fall into place. And I thank god for that bad place I was in because I sought help.
And I know now that I had to experience that pain to be at the place I am at now.

My prayer for today.
Today I promise..
not to take myself so seriously.
To look at my strengths instead of weakness.
To realize that perfection is impossible to achieve.
To love everyone even those that don’t love me.
To forgive those that have wronged me.
To forgive myself for those that I have wronged.
To accept that to be human is to be flawed
To be good to me.
And to trust my higher power, that he/she knows what best for me.
This I promise.

I have been looking at my past lately and some not so nice things I may have done. Someone said to me you’re a good woman doing bad things. I could really take that to heart. But that is someone’s interpretation. A judgment made against me without really knowing me. And really not knowing what “bad things” I was supposed to be doing. I stopped and asked myself. Am I doing bad things? And if I am what are they and why? I’m trying to look at myself honestly and what I have done in the past. And yes there was one really bad thing that I will have to forgive myself for. And I have told small lies to protect myself. and others feelings. And I have done some "things" because of my codependency. But I'm not really sure if they would be what I would define as "bad." I could be disllusional but "bad" is really subjective. My sponsor says, Cyndi, you are no better and no worse then anyone else on this planet. Especially anyone with the disease of addiction or codependency. Now I already knew this within myself because who knows me better then Cyndi! But it’s nice to hear it from someone who knows me. And I choose to forgive myself and the things I have done that I may or may not view as bad. Because my Hp has forgiven me and loves me anyway. And that’s really what I want in my life people that forgive me and love me anyway!

Step Four asks you to look honestly at yourself. That is hard because honesty has not been with me for a very long time. I have lied and been lied too. Many lies I’m just finding out about. Sometimes I think I must have really been naïve to believe the lies so easily. Sometimes I wonder how naïve the person I lied too had to have been, to believe my bullshit. How can I look myself, honestly, when I’ haven’t been honest? I guess that’s what step 1-3 is for. To ask your HP to help you through the rest of the steps. I know that I need to forgive myself for lying. For the things I’ve done because of my illness and move on. I know that my HP understand why I lied and forgives me and so I can too. I will take it one day at a time being honest and not lying to myself and others.