Forgiving Me

Many times I write in my blog about forgiveness. Having to forgive the people that did me wrong in my life. But I realized recently that I also have a lot of amends to make as well. And I don’t know if I will be forgiven as easily. I have used sexuality as a ego boost, a weapon, to regain control in a crazy life. I realized I have been very self-centered in the past and very ego driven and that I still am. With little regard to who I was hurting because I needed my drug, my ego boost, my approval. And anyone that got in my way was sure to get my wrath., especially females. “How dare you take my drug away!” “Was getting some nice ego boosting there.” I realize I am looking for who I am and how good I am from outside and not finding it from within. Sometimes I do get it. I realize that I am God’s child and who cares what any one thinks, not my business anyway, God loves me. Sometimes I freak out and take the control back. That’s when it gets ugly. I get mad and I insult anyone who I think has wronged me. I blame and I run away. Then I have to make amends. Some have forgiven me, others choose to not have me in their life. And that is ok. I do realize that it will take some time to give this drug up, not relying on outside validation. I'v been doing it since I was 6. But I will live in today only. I will pray to my Higher Power to help me stop and take a minute before I react. And if I falter, I will make amends and eventually forgive myself. I realize that if God can forgive me I should be able to forgive me.