Your Not God?

A friend suggested I write on the topic of “False Dependence“. An emotional dependence upon other people and making them responsible for my progress instead of God. Wow, have I done this. For a split second I thought, wow, I must be pretty easy to read. And then I thought if I am, who cares, it’s true! I have depended on others all my life to tell me who I am. Too save me from myself. To make me well. When I first started the program I searched for the 12 step God in a person. Of course I didn’t find him or her. Why can’t anyone live up to my expectations? They all come crashing down from the pedestal I put them on. Of course when you put people on a pedestal the only place they can go is down. Unfortunately or fortunately, they always fall short of my expectations. Wonder why? What they aren’t God?

Bill W. states in his letter to a fellow AA member; "My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came so did my depression.”

Bill W. also came to believe that a power greater than his “God” could restore him to sanity and not people in his life. I realize that this false dependence on others is because I don’t trust myself. And my spiritual foundation was not a very strong one. I have always prayed and felt a connection to a Higher Power, but trusting that power and surrendering to him/her has been hard. There is a fear of the unknown. What if I don’t like what God has planned? And facing that lack of control and surrendering was and is really hard. I remind myself that the control I had over my life was false. I have no control. So I surrender daily to God. I have to be diligent. I take back control all the time and have to surrender it again. I catch a thought, maybe this person has all the answer. Again, I have to stop, pray, and give that job to God. There is a constant daily battle between my control, false dependence and then surrendering to God. But I will continue to redo step 3 because I am getting better at surrendering. I feel myself getting healthier and more spiritually fit. And that is because I’m relying on God, not people to be responsible for my progress.