“I cant be all things to all people. But I can be someone special to some people.” I heard this at a meeting last night and realized yes, in the past, I have tried to be all things to all people and felt guilty when I wasn’t able to do it. I know that is impossible but it was what I created to keep peace at home as a child. I thought I could make it easier for everyone. If I was just really careful and did everything I could for my mom and dad, then the household would not have any chaos. I have no idea why I thought this was my responsibility. I do know, early on, I was responsible for my little sister. My mom worked two jobs, and there was no one else she could trust to take care of her. I think this must happen a lot in poor families. I had to make sure she got up for school in the morning, ate breakfast, got to her classroom, was picked up after school, walked home and in bed by 8:00. I was 9. I essentially raised my sister and I’m surprised that she is not a mess being raised my a 9 year old. I tried to be all things to her. And to make my mom proud. I did that. I made my mom proud. I do wonder at what cost. I realize I really don’t know who I am now. I am what my mom wanted me to be. But How can I feel pity when that is exactly what HP wanted me to experience. I wouldn’t have this amazing job, great house and beautiful children without HP. I really should thank my mom and the pressures she put on me. Now as an adult she know longer pressures me and it‘s my turn to be someone special to some people. And take the invisible pressure off my shoulders.
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1 comment:
I wish I was this self-sacrificing in my life. What I learned about myself was that I was the caretaker, taking care of my little brother, and also being the watch-dog of my older sister (she was alcoholic/drug addict who was always getting into awful scrapes) and what I realized was that while I was doing all of those things my motives were completely self-centered. I wanted to be the 'good kid', I wanted my mom to love me, I wanted to be recognized for the sacrifice and the efforts that I made to be the responsible one....the good one...the right one.
The problem with me is that I also got angry and tortured my brother (yelling at him, making him do things that didn't have anything to do with what my mom may have done, such as not letting him play with friends and realizing that it was because (if I can't go away because I have to be responsible, then you can't either).
I spent time telling my parents how awful my sister was being (ratting her out for her behavior) so that I was free to do what I wanted (sacrificing someone else for my self-esteem), I still broke rules and did things that were against my parents and principles I knew were right (I had sex before marriage, I stayed out too late to make curfew and then made curfew by driving like a bat out of he-double hockey sticks to get there) I didn't show my parents papers that I did badly on in school... I can remember a time specifically when I got an A on a book report and my teacher stood me in front of the class and held me up as a model of good work and I proudly took it home to my parents and took the credit, when in actuality, I didn't read the book fully instead I rented a video of the story, and opened the book and pulled out a few random quotes.
I wish I was selfless in my efforts to take care of and be the strong one for everyone back then, but my inventory told me a different story (Thank God I finally realize what my problem has been all these years! I have been so screwed up in my thinking and my ability to reasonably see my life in Light and Truth.)
I'm blessed today to know that my behavior then was selfish and self serving, that I was wresting the control for myself rather than listening to God and doing His work, had I known then what I know now, I could have had joy much sooner, but what I know now completely obliterates and anger or resentments I carried and now I know how to use all of that baggage for good purposes and my history has truly become a tool that allows me to serve others selflessly and I have the most amazing experiences now...completely miraculous stuff happens in my life with no reasonable explanation!
YAY GOD!
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