Hatred

Why do I hate myself? I look at the things I have accomplished and they are miraculous. I learned to drive at 40. I decided that enough was enough living with an alcoholic/drug addict. I have created two beautiful children. Have a good job where I really make a difference on a daily bases. I have friends that love and respect me. I have family that I am close too. Yet, I still look at myself in the mirror and think I’m shit. Where does this self hatred come from? I’m pealing the onion layer after layer. And as I explore I keep encountering these spots that I have to cut out. One spot that I keep encountering is hating myself. It as been an issue for me since I started this process of recovery. I have been looking into the possible why’s. One is that abused children hate themselves. They think they deserve the abuse somehow, that they are bad and caused It. My sister was very abusive. She would beat on me all the time from the age of 7 to about 12. I think she is the reason I hate myself. The strange thing is I have never ended up with a man that beat on me. I always thought I might. So maybe I have a little respect for myself. Also, I hate it when men objectify me like I am a sexual object. Many roles I have played in theater were the sexy bomb shell blonde. I ended up being viewed as that in everyday life. I don’t associate with men that make me feel cheap. Another indication that I don’t hate myself. So how do I make that voice shut up when I feel hurt and rejected? A friend suggested taking one day a week where I could only have positive thoughts about myself. I think that is a good idea. Another friend suggested I look in the mirror everyday and say “I’m beautiful and an amazing person.” I know I am God’s child and God doesn’t make junk. He loves me no matter what. I’m hoping that meditating and trying to feel the love my HP has for me and listening to friends will change my horrible attitude about myself.

Soothe The Savage Beast

My emotional state is like a strange animal, Sometimes I feel like a happy family dog, following the tools in the program and surrendering control to HP. I’m calm and life is good. Others times I’m biting at people like a wounded cat. Hissing my despair and lashing out at those trying to help. Sometimes I’m like a porcupine very untouchable and isolated. I wish I knew myself well enough to know the triggers that cause my emotional animal to react. I could then sooth the beast and avoid possible situations where I would have to make amends later. I realize why my behavior is wrong but I have trouble getting to the real reason I’m reacting . And I really do want to get to the cause and give it HP. I would rather be the happy joyous and free family dog then the wounded cat. And I’m sure so would others around me. So I apologize, hope they still love me, and go to meetings. I call my sponsor, work the steps, and I pray for the reason for my feelings. And I forgive myself, because I deserve to be loved even, if I’m wounded jungle cat sometimes.

Jealousy

I have been dealing with jealousy the last two days. I talked to my sponsor and she said to feel the emotion and find out where it’s coming from. I am trying to learn what jealousy is trying to teach me. I know that personal relationships are very important to me and I get jealous when friends discover other friends, guys I flirted with turn their attention away from me, or men I wish I had relationship, with date other people. I understand the sceneries of my jealousy, but I’m trying to figure out the why. Why am I jealous? What is making me jealous? Fear? Loneliness? Psychosis? If it’s fear, what am I afraid of losing? In some cases, I fear losing something, like a man, that was never mine to lose. Am I scared of being alone? Of course I am, but if I truly have a spiritual connection to my Higher Power then I am never alone. Am I crazy? This one scares me, because sometimes I think I’m insane. I have to be when I get jealous about a relationship that was never reality. I know that many of my jealousies are merely wishes in the wind. I wish I was with that person. I wish I looked liked her and her husband loved me like he loves her. I wish my wants were in Gods plan. So maybe knowing that they are just wishes makes me sane. Knowing does not make the pain go away. I just wish it didn’t hurt.