Sunday, October 19, 2008
Hatred
Why do I hate myself? I look at the things I have accomplished and they are miraculous. I learned to drive at 40. I decided that enough was enough living with an alcoholic/drug addict. I have created two beautiful children. Have a good job where I really make a difference on a daily bases. I have friends that love and respect me. I have family that I am close too. Yet, I still look at myself in the mirror and think I’m shit. Where does this self hatred come from? I’m pealing the onion layer after layer. And as I explore I keep encountering these spots that I have to cut out. One spot that I keep encountering is hating myself. It as been an issue for me since I started this process of recovery. I have been looking into the possible why’s. One is that abused children hate themselves. They think they deserve the abuse somehow, that they are bad and caused It. My sister was very abusive. She would beat on me all the time from the age of 7 to about 12. I think she is the reason I hate myself. The strange thing is I have never ended up with a man that beat on me. I always thought I might. So maybe I have a little respect for myself. Also, I hate it when men objectify me like I am a sexual object. Many roles I have played in theater were the sexy bomb shell blonde. I ended up being viewed as that in everyday life. I don’t associate with men that make me feel cheap. Another indication that I don’t hate myself. So how do I make that voice shut up when I feel hurt and rejected? A friend suggested taking one day a week where I could only have positive thoughts about myself. I think that is a good idea. Another friend suggested I look in the mirror everyday and say “I’m beautiful and an amazing person.” I know I am God’s child and God doesn’t make junk. He loves me no matter what. I’m hoping that meditating and trying to feel the love my HP has for me and listening to friends will change my horrible attitude about myself.
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2 comments:
Well, STOP IT!
Hating yourself is not good and it's undeserved. You're gonna make yourself sick!
Controlling our feelings is like driving a boat. It takes a little time to change the direction the boat is going, but it can be done....
You must've read Stranger In A Strange Land and there is something to the concept of hating well, imho. It's much better for you to hate the people who deserve it, since you don't deserve it. A lot of times, I've found in my experience, we turn unpleasant feelings on ourselves when we can't help what we feel. It is better to hate those people who seriously abused you, then yourself.
Forgiving ourselves is tantamount. Whatever you did, I'm sure that God/dess forgave you for it. I know that God/dess doesn't hate you. Perhaps you are comparing your insides to other's outsides. Maybe you see good qualities where there aren't any in others.... Maybe, you are internalizing the opinions a lot of people have about "naughty" women.
Remember, "well behaved women rarely make history."
Cyndi, please don't hate yourself. You must not be internalizing the compliments others give you. You can steer that boat away from the rocky territory you are on, if you try.
In my experience the only thing that helped me to recover from the feeling of hatred about myself and others in my life was to work the steps like a woman who was drowning... it wasn't hard for me because I was so depressed and didn't have anything in my life working well... In other words, I wasn't comfortable in my home life, my work life, I wasn't confident about my friend base, my relationships, I was just ... in the depths of despair.
The answer was never in others but in myself... And the answer for me definitely was NOT to hate others instead of myself... I spent years trying to do that too but it didn't get me free...
The only freedom and joy I found was actually ceasing the program and working the steps vigorously with a sponsor that was a task-master and told me the truth, not what I thought I wanted to hear, because my thinker was broken... I couldn't fix a broken mind (my feelings of self loathing and anger and depression) with my broken mind, and I certainly had no concept of truth or reality.
I encourage you to attend recovery meetings as much as possible, read How it works in Alanon and the Big Book of AA, the disease is the same, the addictive substance is different (for alcoholics it's alcohol, for co-dependents it's people and stuff)
I encourage you to find sponsorship, really good sponsorship (crusty old timer's worked for me).
I am happier and more free than I could ever have imagined! I have a lot of joy in my life and I no longer hate myself.
I'm praying for you too!!!
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