Would the Real Cyndi Please Step Forward

“All the worlds a stage and all the men and woman merely players. They have their entrances and exits and one man in his time plays many parts.” William Shakespeare
This quote sums up how I feel about my life. I feel like like I have played many roles in my time. I was and I am an actress on stage and off. The roles I started playing at first were on a unconscious level. The “good” daughter. The “nark” The responsible one. The trust worthy one. As I got older and my intense shyness took over, I prayed to be anyone but Cyndi . I had no friends and was so lonely at an early age. Consciously, I wanted to figure out how to act like someone different. The person that had all the friends. The person everyone wanted to be with. I saw the way to learn how to act was through theater. I could learn how become someone else; and it worked. I became the person that had many friends. The girl that was funny and quirky. The girl that guys wanted to date but still had female friends. When I first started acting I thought if I could achieve “being liked” then I would be happy. The only problem was I always felt like if they knew the real Cyndi they would not like me. I beleive this is one of the reason I hate myself then and now. I am a sham, a fake. Would the real Cyndi please step forward. And if I do? I hear the boo’s in my head. So as a teenager I kept playing a role. Believing I didn’t deserve happiness and the great friends that I had. The nice, respectful, handsome men in my life. That role is still being played. Now, I don’t know who the real Cyndi is anymore. And as I relflect on it I wonder why I hate myself for being a fake because who I was when I was 14 is not who I am now. This is me, the role that I created has become part of me. I will always deal with the insecurities of being found out. But I have to remeber when I sit alone in a room I am the same person that I am in public. There is nothing to be found out. I am no longer a fake. What am I scared of? I don’t get boo’s as I take the stage of life and play this role named Cyndi. And the director of my play is happy with the choices I make. My Higher Power (the director) loves me no matter what I do in my play. He is even ok if I drop a line or rewrite the scene. Even when he knows the scene does not work as well with the rewrite, he lets me learn that lesson. So it’s time to let the fear of who I really am go. The real Cyndi can step forward and take her bow. And my Higher Power will applaud my work and the wonderful play that was created as the curtain closes and I exit stage right.