Growth

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anais Nin
I feel like a bud that needs and wants to blossom. That if I don’t work on change that the risks of being safe is more painful than the fear of the unknown. As I work on self and try to grow, change happens even if I don’t want it too. I’m sadden by the loss of what was, and is no longer, in some cases Friends that I had early in recovery are just not tolerable anymore. I see the sickness in them still and realize I once viewed the world in the same way. I’m also finding that there are people in recovery that talk a good talk but don’t really live the principles. I suppose that is why principles before personalities is so important. I’m seeing some people that I thought were so strong in program and realize that they still struggle with anger, fear, controlling others, and judging. I see people who I thought were in the program for years and have it all figured out, resist change and dictate how the program should be organized and implemented without considering the newcomer. And I realize this is a life long journey. I will never be well, just better, And that I need to get used to change because it’s going to happen whether I like it or not. If it stops and I stop growing something is not right in my program. I feel like that bud, in Anais’ quote, struggling to open and become a beautiful flower. Painfully, resisting the growth but knowing that something beautiful awaits me.