Reason, Season, Lifetime

I am starting to notice that people in my life have a purpose. And I’m perplexed as to why. Many people in a 12 step program say people are in my life for a reason, season, or lifetime I was curious about what that really meant.
When people come into my life for a reason, they come into my life to meet a need. A prayer that has been sent out and is being answered. They have something to teach me. And once that lesson is learned, they will leave me just as quickly. When that happens the need as been fulfilled.
When people come into my life for a season that means it’s my turn to share, love and grow. And I should get a great amount of joy from that relationship. But it comes to an end just like a season does. And then there’s a lifetime.
People that are in my life for a lifetime are there to teach me life lessons. And it’s my job to learn from them and accept the lesson.
What I’m still wondering about is why people come into my life and rub me the wrong way or annoy me. I do think that they are also there for a reason and I think they have sometime to teach me. And that lesson is many times hard fought. And very hard to see past the emotional reaction I have every time I see them. I think if I take a moment and breath and say why am I pissed I might get an answer. Many times I look at a person and say; “you have the qualities I hate in myself, that’s why I don’t like you. “ You’re my mirror making me look at my flaws.” I think if I understand why I are reacting, then I can move on to the lesson or the acceptance that Hp intended by putting that person in my life.

Light the Way

My head is so active sometimes I wish I could shut it off. I wonder if that is from my childhood, and the things I experience or just me, part of my personality. Sometime I feel like a ninja running around, analyzing every one as a possible threat or thinking every shadow has a possible enemy. I sometimes see my Higher Power as this glowing light that moves across the people that I know and the shadows in my mind. That light reveals everyone as they really are. Makes the shadows go away. The people might be good or bad , no longer a mystery and I can accept them as they are . Because I see their true nature, a child of God. When I lose touch with my higher power that is when the shadows come back. And that’s when I call my sponsor and use the tools to get the light in my life back.

The BIg Question

It is interesting this thing called being human. So much pain and suffering so much love and joy. I am in a very introspective mood today asking the question; Why do we exist?” In the bible it says that God made this beautiful world and he wanted his children to live on it. I think the earth is beautiful and very much a gift. I’m blessed as one of God’s children to live in the home he built. Even when I’m feeling the yin side of life, I understand that there has to be a balance in this tiny existence called living. How do I truly understand the joys of life if I haven’t experience the hardships? The love if I haven’t experience the hate? The light if I haven’t experience the dark? I think for me the key word is balance. I will have good days and “bad”. And it’s how I react and relate to life’s yin yang that is the most important. I exist to experience I believe and to experience it with the passion and acceptance god intended. I do not want to die, realizing that I didn’t take advantage of everything that life had to give me.

It Aint Easy Being Green

Even though I have the stomach flu, I feel like it is still important for me to write. Because I reminding myself that I’m still grateful. I know that physical illness can make you feel sorry for yourself. And lose touch with HP. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I’m grateful that the nausea comes in waves. And then passes. I know that this illness too will pass. I love HP and me, for having the ability to laugh at my myself and see beyond the physical discomfort. I need HP in my life to get me through times like these and I’m going to use this down time (between puking, lol) to thank him/her and strengthen my connection.

Day by day

I realized today that I have good days and bad days. I feel like sometimes I take a step backwards in my recovery because those habits are still there. Today, it was about analyzing. I tend to analyze everything and sometimes my conclusion are correct and sometimes they are not. I know that it is something I learned for protection. Protection from abuse and heartbreak. But I don’t need protection anymore if I trust HP and realize I don’t have control over anything but me. Also, I have the tools now. I called my sponsor to talk it out with her. Wow, was that valuable. She said when you have days like that, don’t beat yourself up over it. You are Gods child and are beautiful inside and out.. You deserve love and deserve to be loved just like everyone else on this planet. We are all the in this together and we all make mistakes. You are no better or worse then anyone else. My biggest challenge is going to be loving myself. I realize that now. By the way not takiing myself seriously only lasted a day. (I laugh about it, so Cyndi)

Have Fun, Damit!

A friend suggested I write about not talking life and myself too seriously. I think that’s funny and very perceptive. I have been focusing on recovery in a very serious way. It’s a very serious subject after all. Right! Why not have fun as well. I do have the ability to laugh at myself, I’m a complete dork sometimes, and a klutz. Just ask my students throughout the years. Somewhere in the last 6 years with work, children, and responsibility I “grew up“. My personal life has become serious and, frankly, not that much fun. My “child” only really came out in the classroom. I think that is probably part of the reason for my depression at home. “All work and no play makes Cyndi a dull girl“. So the next couple of days I’m going to focus on my childlike side and have some fun. After all, “life is a cabaret my friend” why not enjoy my revovery and have some fun with it!

Insanity

Insanity-extreme folly; senselessness; foolhardiness. In Al-anon step two is: We came to believe a power greater then us could restore us to sanity. I felt insane before I came to Al-anon and I still do sometimes. The difference is I have some tools now to deal with my anger, resentment, and of course my fear of loss. Yesterday I was afraid of losing money, friendship, and stability. The fear turned to anger. I was angry last night and I woke up this morning angry. I felt like I wanted to scream at the sky and ask HP why is this happening to me? I felt insane! This morning I said to myself; “god, I feel like I’m losing my mind!” And then I remembered step two and I said; “wait I’m going to give this to my HP.” I kept trying to let if go to god but I was still angry. So I made a list of all the stuff that I was pissed about. Actually, noted how long it was, and I closed my eyes and in my mind I saw my HP’S hand taking the list. I felt his/hers acceptance and support and that everything is going to be ok. I let the anger go and burned the list. I also sat down and wrote what I was grateful for, as reminder that I have a long list of those things too. I no longer feel insane. I am so glad that I am learning how to use the tools to feel better and get healthy again

worry

It’s very early for me. But I was laying there in dark and staring at the ceiling. I decided to write what is on my mind. I am sad today. I I think it’s about loss. My active alchie husband whom I trying to detach from and separate from was fired yesterday from his job. A friend has decided to take a break from his online friends, and my bosses won’t look me in the eye because they know I’m not happy about my job situation. All three are about loss. And fear about the future. I had a dream last night my husband was using again. I think he might self medicate because of this loss. I know I can’t control his action if he does, he does. And he will be outside of the house quicker. I’m feeling that trapped feeling again though . If we can’t work it out, I guess there’s not a perfect time to leave but it would be easier for my conscious if he had a job and he could support himself. I know that is not healthy. And it something I have to work on. About my friends who is leaving his online friends. Again I can’t control that. Completely out of my hands. And I have to trust Hp that if were supposed to stay friends we will. Thinking about my job next year is fruitless. There is no way I can know what’s going to happen.. And really it’s non of my business what my bosses are thinking about me. I have to try to live in today, not yesterday or tomorrow. If I don't I'm going to have a lot more nights waking me up at 5:00 in the morning staring at the ceiling. All I can do is ask god to take away my worry.

On second thought

As I sit here this morning after sleeping on what happened yesterday and I realize that watching someone get verbally abused and saying nothing because it’s non of my business does not sit well with me. I almost deleted last nights blog, but I didn’t, because I understand that recovery is a process . And I want to be able to go back and look at the steps I did and the issues I encounter within myself. My thoughts on bulling is that I really would like to try to defuse it from a place of love, for both the bully and the bullied. I believe Hp plan is perfection and if I am there, then maybe, I can defuse the issues and if I can’t then at least I tried. He sent me to see what is happening for a reason. I also believe that hp has a plan for the bully and the bullied. I want to give it my best and then give it to god. As a human being I think we have a responsibility to try to defuse negativity if we can. But if we can’t then we should give it to god to take care or.

Oh Bother!

Today I let someone bother me. She annoyed and angered me. She was picking on someone else and I wanted to help that person. I know, I have a good heart and sometimes it makes it so I don’t mind my own business. I was repeating that actually. Trying to get her to realize that it was non of her business what this man was doing. But what I didn’t realize was the gift she was giving me. To see that no matter how much I think I have changed, the old stuff will still come out, if I let it. And I also know that Hp will help me when that happens because he sends his angels that see through the shit and call me on it. Because they are there too. People strong in the program that remind me that it’s not any of my business if someone is being mean, it’s between them. And the Alanon literature giving me the tools to not let myself get pulled in next time.

A little more on faith.

I want to write a little more about faith because my faith was tested today at work. My bosses want me to change my job and location. I will have to leave coworkers that I love and will be working primarily with people I don’t really know. Also, I may be having added responsibilities without a pay raise. Of course I was worried at first. All I can to is state my concerns. Really my bosses have already made the decision that I am going, I can tell. So I either accept it or change jobs. I have to trust that my hp knows what he/she is doing and that it is for me to experience or part of something that ultimately is a positive, I am just not able to see the plan yet. So, yes, my faith gets tested. But I have to continue to trust and know my hp loves me and wants what’s best for me.

Faith

I think my hp wants me to talk about faith. All the shows I watched yesterday had a faith theme. And people have been asking me how I have faith. I try and listen to what hp wants me to look at and write about. It is something I struggled with when I was doing steps 1-3. I really had to look at my beliefs and come to terms with what they were. I have a very interesting background in religion. I went to a catholic school even though I wasn’t Catholic. My father was a Buddhist and was really into transcendental mediation. I was basically raised mediating with a mantra and doing yoga. My mother was a Methodist and we went to her church. The one gift my mother and father gave me was they said explore faith and religion because it’s personal. And I did explore it. Went to different churches and explored Wicca. I was saved in high school but later was turned off to religion because I found out my mother was the mistress of my pastor. I thought it was very hypocritical because he was married with children and preaching against sin. So, I was Agnostic for a couple of years. Always, I was spiritual though. After I had kids I kind of lost my connection to my high power because I was too busy with them. I forgot myself really. The program helped me to try to get that back. I didn’t fully get the connection back until I started trusting. People have asked me how I keep faith when bad things happen. I have to trust that there’s a higher plan for me and I just can't see it yet. And that other people are also involved in HP plan.. If I lose someone to death I know I will see them again and it’s what was meant to be. That it was perfection and what was planned for that soul. I guess my faith stems from all the exploring I have done about religion. And I’ve kind of taken the best piece from each for me to use.

Just for Today

Last night someone read my blog and said they were irritated by my finger pointing. They said I know your alanon but take responsibility for you. Stop pointing fingers at others and blaming them for you problems. Now I could have taken that personally and really dwelled on it. Obsessed about it and got manic about it. This is what I would have done in the past. But I didn’t. In fact it didn’t even hurt my feelings and I didn’t obsess about it. Which is amazing and shows me how far I have come in my recovery. I said I will think on it. And I put it out there for hp. I figured if this is something I should work through then hp will tell me. And of course, today, I went to a meeting and the topic was choices we make. I open the Just for Today book under choices and lo and behold pointing fingers is the discussion. Well, I guess hp wants me to look at that today. It said pointing fingers is a choice I can make. But that it usually leads to resentment and bad feelings. And that forgiveness is a choice too. I think I need to stop pointing fingers and saying; "I’m like this because of my dad, my sister, my active alcoholic husband". I’m where I am today because I choose to be healthy or unhealthy. I choose to either dwell on the past or take it one day at a time. So I decide today that I will not point fingers. And I hope, if I do point fingers, someone calls me on it.

Today was about anger. Not my anger but others. I discussed it in a conversation with two people and opened up to anger in my alanon book. I listen to my HP and I know he/she wants me to write about anger. I have been around people all my life that are so angry. Angry at others but in reality angry at themselves. My father, sister and husband. And I have been the brunt of the anger. My sister in her hate at the “good” child. My father for his anger at my out of control sister taking it out on me. He actually kicked a plate into my face so hard I had to get stitches and plastic surgery. And my husband for me just being a convenient outlet. I guess abusive anger is common to an alcoholic and drug addict and that is what I have encounter in the past with my sister and husband. I could have resentment for these people in my life. But what good would that do me. I would turn into them. No, I choose instead to tell them I don’t like it and to stay out of there way when they are angry. I realize it’s not me it’s them. I still have to remind myself that I have done nothing wrong. I actually pity them, which I know is not healthy, but it must suck to be so pissed all the time. And I remind myself daily that I can’t “fix” it. I’m hoping that I will get to a point where I don’t feel bad or guilty for thinking I caused the anger. I know I’m feeling that less and less. As I remind myself that I didn’t cause it. Can’t cure it. And I can’t control it.

I realize that my recovery will always have ups and downs. That there is going to be good days and bad days. I didn’t become sick overnight and I won’t become healthy overnight. What helps me get thru the bad days is realizing that they are less frequent. I am also noticing that the “triggers” are other people. Or at least I blame them. I let others dictate how I feel. I have a good day, if I’m treated well or what I think is well, by people around me. And If someone ignores me, is angry or defensive with me, then I am devastated and I cry. I realize now that that resentment is part of my illness and many times it not the reality of the situation. It’s an assumed wrong and delusional many times. It’s none of my business what others are thinking about me. And everyone is dealing with their own shit. Why should or would they care about my shit or offending me. So I stop and I say the serenity prayer and I write. And I feel better. And I try not to think about what may happen tomorrow. Because I can’t see into the future. Only my HP knows what will happen and I trust him/her to help me accept the things I can not control.

Everyday I am shocked and surprised at the support my hp is giving to me in my life. Of course I am also helping him/her by being a better listener. The more I surrender the more support I get. I was almost talked out of going to an all woman’s meeting tonight. But I stayed strong and I listened to myself and I went. It was an incredible meeting. Not only did I pull the world spiritual connection to discuss as a topic, but the woman that shared were so amazing and strong in their recovery. And there were the most beautiful and sweet babies with the purest smiles. If you want a stronger spiritual connection look into a babies eyes when they smile at you. That is pure love. I felt so connected to my higher power in that meeting. And I came home and today’s reading in Hope for Today is on spiritual connection and let “Go and let God“. I wish I could show other people how to let “Go and let God“. But it’s such a personal thing. All I can do is say it’s possible and when you are able to trust your higher power you have all that love and support given to. Things just fall into place. And I thank god for that bad place I was in because I sought help.
And I know now that I had to experience that pain to be at the place I am at now.

My prayer for today.
Today I promise..
not to take myself so seriously.
To look at my strengths instead of weakness.
To realize that perfection is impossible to achieve.
To love everyone even those that don’t love me.
To forgive those that have wronged me.
To forgive myself for those that I have wronged.
To accept that to be human is to be flawed
To be good to me.
And to trust my higher power, that he/she knows what best for me.
This I promise.

I have been looking at my past lately and some not so nice things I may have done. Someone said to me you’re a good woman doing bad things. I could really take that to heart. But that is someone’s interpretation. A judgment made against me without really knowing me. And really not knowing what “bad things” I was supposed to be doing. I stopped and asked myself. Am I doing bad things? And if I am what are they and why? I’m trying to look at myself honestly and what I have done in the past. And yes there was one really bad thing that I will have to forgive myself for. And I have told small lies to protect myself. and others feelings. And I have done some "things" because of my codependency. But I'm not really sure if they would be what I would define as "bad." I could be disllusional but "bad" is really subjective. My sponsor says, Cyndi, you are no better and no worse then anyone else on this planet. Especially anyone with the disease of addiction or codependency. Now I already knew this within myself because who knows me better then Cyndi! But it’s nice to hear it from someone who knows me. And I choose to forgive myself and the things I have done that I may or may not view as bad. Because my Hp has forgiven me and loves me anyway. And that’s really what I want in my life people that forgive me and love me anyway!

Step Four asks you to look honestly at yourself. That is hard because honesty has not been with me for a very long time. I have lied and been lied too. Many lies I’m just finding out about. Sometimes I think I must have really been naïve to believe the lies so easily. Sometimes I wonder how naïve the person I lied too had to have been, to believe my bullshit. How can I look myself, honestly, when I’ haven’t been honest? I guess that’s what step 1-3 is for. To ask your HP to help you through the rest of the steps. I know that I need to forgive myself for lying. For the things I’ve done because of my illness and move on. I know that my HP understand why I lied and forgives me and so I can too. I will take it one day at a time being honest and not lying to myself and others.