Quiet Growth

I had a birthday, recently, and traditionally my mother and younger sister get together and have a girls night out. It felt different this time around. I looked into their eyes and I had overwhelming feeling of gratitude. And I told them both how grateful I was to have them in my lives. I have always been close to them but now I tell them how much I appreciate them. I realized how much I have grown in the last year. Recovery is a day by day work in progress. Changes take place slowly, and quietly. Because progress is so slow and gentle I I didn’t realize I had changed very much. But my sister and mother did. They said that I was really depressed and unhappy on my last birthday and it was good to see me laugh and enjoy life again. I have changed and found my inner glow again. I realize I have become this person because of my hard work and following the program’s suggestions. Going to meetings, reading literature etc.. I also realize that my Higher Power has a huge role in my ability to let things just be what they are. I trust now that I am loved and forgiven and on the right path if I’m actively involved in my quest for happiness. I’m am looking forward to the person I will be on my next birthday.

Love

Someone asked in a chat room if anybody could define spirituality and connection to their Higher power in one word, what would it be. I remember love came up and that made me pause and think. How do I feel about my god? How would I define the spiritual connection? I think I my definition for the connection is love, unconditional love. I am loved and accepted by higher power even when I make bad choices. I am forgiven and supported by my god. When I first realized this, it was such a relief. I was able to forgive myself because I was loved and started to heal. I came to the realization that love is healing for me and those that have harmed me. And that if I treat people with unconditional love and forgiveness, I will help them heal also. So I tried it in my life. I watched someone treat another person unfairly and I said I love you but I don’t understand why you are hurting that other person. It immediately diffused the situation. I started saying I love you more often to the friends that I am grateful for in my life and I received it back. That one little word has so much power! I will continue to use love as a healing tool for myself. I hope people I give my love to will start to use it and feel it in their lives. Because I realize how much it helped me in my recovery and with my connection to my higher power.

Fear

I’ve been thinking about fear lately. I think fear is guiding my life and has been since I was young. When anything you say may cause pain emotionally and physically you get used to living with fear. I went to the chiropractor yesterday and he said I had a very old injury that he’s going to work on getting rid of. This is how I feel about some of my issues. Very old emotional injuries. I have to keep working on to let go. Fear is an old emotional wound that bleeds on all aspects of my life. Work, relationships and trying new things. I understand why I have it. I don’t want to get physically or emotionally hurt. But if I let it guide my life I’m not really living to my fullest potential that Hp planned for me. And the interesting thing about fear is once I face it head on it goes away. It’s not easy taking chances. It take a lot of courage to get past the panic. But I have done it. And I know I can again. I have to trust hp that he will take care of me. That the wounds I may encounter will heal and make me a better person.

The No Good Very Bad Day

It is funny to sit here on a good day and wonder to myself what my problem was yesterday. Why was I in my head so much? Why did I feel so horrible and emotional? Of course it’s hard to seek help when you’re feeling like shit. When I am that terrible out of control place, that’s when I really need the program and someone to talk to. The trick is realizing I need the help and reaching out and getting it. Many times I feel psycho and out of control and I either think I can handle it on my own or that I don’t want to bother my sponsor about it. But that’s what my sponsor is there for. And that is why I have a contact list, to call someone if I need to. I know that one of the main reasons for relapse is not going to meeting and not working the steps. I have not opened my al-anon book for about month now. Yesterday I picked it up again. Today I feel better. Maybe I will get to a point where I don’t wait so long to use the tools that I have to feel better. I think the more I realize what I need for my recovery is the better I will get at handling the “bad” days.

Letting Go

Why do I hold on to relationships that are so difficult to keep going ? Many times it seems like I’m the only one that cares. That some people are being my friend out of niceness. That’s pretty sick to think that. Pretty insecure and comes from a place of low self-esteem. Because I think I’m a great friend to have. So. if I feel that way why do I keep trying to have that person in my life that doesn’t want to be there? It’s like I keep picking at a scab. I start to heal and I go back for more hurt. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am insane when it comes to relationships I think. That’s how I feel when I get hurt over and over again. I think part of my hurt is I feel like it’s a great friendship and then that person is “done” with me. I think, I must have caused this change. And I obsess over what I must have done. I know it’s not my fault. That’s it’s not all about me. That everyone is living their own lives and it may have nothing to do with me at all. I have to realize that not everyone I encounter in my life is meant to stay there. And once the reason for them being in my life is over to let them go. But I don’t know how to do that yet. Maybe ask HP, or pray for guidence. Maybe, write a goodbye letter and never send it. I will be working on this issue for awhile, I know.

Expectations

I feel disappointed and sad that someone was not who I thought they were. Do I have the right to feel that way when they are unable to live up to my expectations? And why is it their job to be what I want them to be? People are going to be what they want to be. Not who I think they should be. I sit here in the dark and wonder if my expectations are too high for the people around me and I’m ultimately and always going to be disappointed? Because people are living their lives as best as they can. They are not here for me, they are here for them. My childhood was not good, and I always thought that I wish I could have been spoiled like some little cheerleader , wishing to have that life and not mine. I thought I was able to empathize with other people who had a rough childhood. I didn’t think I was better then anyone else. How could I when I was so poor and living in chaos. But I don’t think that’s true. I think I act like a little princess sometimes expecting to be catered too. And I wonder where this ego , holier then thou attitude comes from. The only explanation is that I think I’m better because I’m not an alchie. That because I have the “control” and take care of everyone else, I am the better person. But that’s just not true. I’m just as sick and needing a 12 step program as any addict. And the more I write and examine my negative emotions the more I realize how ill I really am and how much work I have ahead of me. I will have to take it one day at a time and stop myself when I’m setting up unrealistic expectations.

The Pit

It’s interesting that you can dig yourself a huge pit with a big shovel called fear and insecurity. That you can dig it so deep that you fall in. And realize that it is a dark, lonely, place and you need to get out. You work yourself up, slowly because you keep falling back in, but you don’t give up. You keep reaching for HP. And finally, you see the light, and feel the warmth on your face. You get the connection again and wham! Someone, that is not in recovery, tries to push you back in the pit. Blames you for the way they are feeling. Blames you and the program and for resisting going down that hole again. But you go back to the tools, the things you have learned in recovery and decide that you are not going down in that hole again today. And you stay strong to fight, so that it’s your choice to go down there again not someone elses. And you able to stay out of the pit of pity, fear and self loathing for another day.