Forgiving Me

Many times I write in my blog about forgiveness. Having to forgive the people that did me wrong in my life. But I realized recently that I also have a lot of amends to make as well. And I don’t know if I will be forgiven as easily. I have used sexuality as a ego boost, a weapon, to regain control in a crazy life. I realized I have been very self-centered in the past and very ego driven and that I still am. With little regard to who I was hurting because I needed my drug, my ego boost, my approval. And anyone that got in my way was sure to get my wrath., especially females. “How dare you take my drug away!” “Was getting some nice ego boosting there.” I realize I am looking for who I am and how good I am from outside and not finding it from within. Sometimes I do get it. I realize that I am God’s child and who cares what any one thinks, not my business anyway, God loves me. Sometimes I freak out and take the control back. That’s when it gets ugly. I get mad and I insult anyone who I think has wronged me. I blame and I run away. Then I have to make amends. Some have forgiven me, others choose to not have me in their life. And that is ok. I do realize that it will take some time to give this drug up, not relying on outside validation. I'v been doing it since I was 6. But I will live in today only. I will pray to my Higher Power to help me stop and take a minute before I react. And if I falter, I will make amends and eventually forgive myself. I realize that if God can forgive me I should be able to forgive me.

approval

My week has been a roller coaster ride of learning and lessons. I feel like the coaster has sped up and is rounding a sharp bend. Sunday, I realize that I am an addict that is addicted to approval. Sunday night, I come into chat and someone says to me “God Cyndi I’m so sick of you. You are whiney, you always have to be liked and you say things that are not true.” This hurt because I respected the person and they disproved of me. They put me on ignore so I couldn’t respond or make amends or work through it. I realized that this was a lesson from my Higher Power. To let go let God. Also, a lesson about gossip and how destructive it is. I have to remember in the program its principles not personalities. Monday, I crashed and burned in the al-anon meeting and had the feeling that everyone disproved of my action. So, I shared about my feelings and I realized I’m ok with someone that is not happy with my behavior. Not my business if they don’t like me or disapprove of me. I do my best to find out if I was at fault and make amends if it is.. And let it go if I can’t change it. I have come to the conclusion that I want healthy people in my life. People that will communicate with me if they feel hurt or wronged. True friends, that don’t listen to gossip, can make apologies and accept them. Friends that don’t attack and hurt people in open forums. This is my new healthier way of thinking and I like it and it feels right. That’s all that matters is that I am getting better. I’m not here to save the world one person at a time. I’m not here to get everyone’s approval either.

God Wants me to be Happy

Does God want us to be happy? I think that our definition of Higher Power or God is very personal. My god/goddess loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy but gives me the choice to be unhappy if I want to be. And when I’m ready to surrender and ask for help, folds me back into his /her loving arms for comfort. I sometimes feel like a stubborn child telling the world that I know how to do it. I don’t need help. And when I fall flat on my face and run to my HP for comfort for a skinned knee, or in my case a bruised ego, a lost job, an expectation that wasn’t fulfilled, I fall into my HP arms I start to be happy again. Why do I continue to try to take the control back? Lose the trust? I guess it’s the nature of my disease. I know best because I have always taken control and “fixed” things. But I remind myself if it was truly fixed, why do I feel like shit? And why do I feel so much better when I let Hp work it out for me? Thank God/Goddess for the 12 step program. It has helped me find my way to my Hp’s loving arms. And showed me how to live my live. Without control and with trust in my HP. I do believe God wants us to be happy because she/he loves us I know that now.