Sacrifice

“I cant be all things to all people. But I can be someone special to some people.” I heard this at a meeting last night and realized yes, in the past, I have tried to be all things to all people and felt guilty when I wasn’t able to do it. I know that is impossible but it was what I created to keep peace at home as a child. I thought I could make it easier for everyone. If I was just really careful and did everything I could for my mom and dad, then the household would not have any chaos. I have no idea why I thought this was my responsibility. I do know, early on, I was responsible for my little sister. My mom worked two jobs, and there was no one else she could trust to take care of her. I think this must happen a lot in poor families. I had to make sure she got up for school in the morning, ate breakfast, got to her classroom, was picked up after school, walked home and in bed by 8:00. I was 9. I essentially raised my sister and I’m surprised that she is not a mess being raised my a 9 year old. I tried to be all things to her. And to make my mom proud. I did that. I made my mom proud. I do wonder at what cost. I realize I really don’t know who I am now. I am what my mom wanted me to be. But How can I feel pity when that is exactly what HP wanted me to experience. I wouldn’t have this amazing job, great house and beautiful children without HP. I really should thank my mom and the pressures she put on me. Now as an adult she know longer pressures me and it‘s my turn to be someone special to some people. And take the invisible pressure off my shoulders.
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Responsibility

I tend to look outside of myself when I’m feeling angry, lonely, fearful, offended etc…But really I’M feeling that way. No one is “making” me feel that way. I can choose how to react to anything someone throws at me. I am responsible for my feelings. That’s a hard one for me. All my life I have been looking outside to tell me how to feel. And when I let someone get to me, hard for me to let go let God. It’s easier to blame someone else then take responsibility for my feelings
I think being aware of what I’m doing is helping me to become more responsible. I let myself feel the emotion then say ok. You chose to go to that place now you can choose to let it go as well. I think the “why” is more important than the feeling itself. The “why” helps me learn about myself. Why am I angry? Why am I hurt? When I figure out the “why,” I grow.

Limits

As I grow in my own program there are still people in my life that are not working on getting well. People I met that are not working program and I am starting to pull away from them for my own well being. I’m trying to do this in a loving and healthy way. So, I think it’s time to do some work on boundaries. Part of being codependent and in alanon is that I have warped since of what a boundary is or non at all. And I’m not sure how to set boundaries. I have been reading about how to do this, set a boundary . I have no clue how to do it and wouldn’t know where to start. I have been doing my enabling so long it’s all I know how to do. I am learning that you can’t set a boundary and take care of another’s feelings at the same time That a boundary is a limit. I tend to be really angry when I have finally had enough and set a boundary. Guess that is an unhealthy way of setting boundaries. I wish I had a Cyrano de Bergerac that could whisper in my ear how to set a boundary that is not all convoluted with enabling and dependency. I’m going to go put a prayer in my prayer box asking god to help me set boundaries because I have no clue how to do it. What I do know is that I can tell when something feels yucky now. That means I’m understanding what I don’t want. But guilt sets in sometimes when I try to take care of my emotional self. I ask god to take the guilt away. It’s the only thing I know to do this early in my recovery.