Why Am I Angry God?

Hello God it’s me Cyndi. God, I’m having trouble with the people you are sending to me. I’m having trouble with relationships. How do I know if they are in my life for a reason, for just a short time, or for a lifetime, I wish I had a little light that would go off to tell me if I should even waste my time. How do I know that someone entering my life is not going to hurt me? How do I trust people God? How do I stop making unrealistic expectations? How do I make that go away? How do I stop expecting a emotional response or reaction from someone that is incapable of giving it to me.? And why do I assume that everyone knows what I expect? They are not mind readers. All it does is cause myself anger and disappointment. How do I stop expecting something so I won’t then get angry. Please God help me understand how to just trust you. To trust you to send me what I need in my life and that even if I’m hurt, the hurt will go away and a lesson will be learned.

Cyndi's Prayer

Are you there God? It’s me Cyndi, Please HP show me that you are in my life. I am open to your guidance and I surrender to your decision. But, I don’t know what you want me to do? I feel sometimes there is a blanket over my eyes and something happening but I can’t see it and am missing out on the action. All I can do is pray that I will see whatever you want me to see. Trust that you will remove the veil when it’s time. I am clueless. I feel every decision I’ve made up to this point was me playing God. Ego telling me to choose that option. Now, I really want to do your bidding, if you would just show me the way. Everyday I will get on my knee’s and humbly ask you to help me here. I can’t make any decisions on my own anymore, they have all been bad. Please God tell me what to do. Show me your will. Guide my thoughts words and actions. Please God hear your child, Cyndi. Amen.

Growth

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anais Nin
I feel like a bud that needs and wants to blossom. That if I don’t work on change that the risks of being safe is more painful than the fear of the unknown. As I work on self and try to grow, change happens even if I don’t want it too. I’m sadden by the loss of what was, and is no longer, in some cases Friends that I had early in recovery are just not tolerable anymore. I see the sickness in them still and realize I once viewed the world in the same way. I’m also finding that there are people in recovery that talk a good talk but don’t really live the principles. I suppose that is why principles before personalities is so important. I’m seeing some people that I thought were so strong in program and realize that they still struggle with anger, fear, controlling others, and judging. I see people who I thought were in the program for years and have it all figured out, resist change and dictate how the program should be organized and implemented without considering the newcomer. And I realize this is a life long journey. I will never be well, just better, And that I need to get used to change because it’s going to happen whether I like it or not. If it stops and I stop growing something is not right in my program. I feel like that bud, in Anais’ quote, struggling to open and become a beautiful flower. Painfully, resisting the growth but knowing that something beautiful awaits me.