Sunday, October 5, 2008
Jealousy
I have been dealing with jealousy the last two days. I talked to my sponsor and she said to feel the emotion and find out where it’s coming from. I am trying to learn what jealousy is trying to teach me. I know that personal relationships are very important to me and I get jealous when friends discover other friends, guys I flirted with turn their attention away from me, or men I wish I had relationship, with date other people. I understand the sceneries of my jealousy, but I’m trying to figure out the why. Why am I jealous? What is making me jealous? Fear? Loneliness? Psychosis? If it’s fear, what am I afraid of losing? In some cases, I fear losing something, like a man, that was never mine to lose. Am I scared of being alone? Of course I am, but if I truly have a spiritual connection to my Higher Power then I am never alone. Am I crazy? This one scares me, because sometimes I think I’m insane. I have to be when I get jealous about a relationship that was never reality. I know that many of my jealousies are merely wishes in the wind. I wish I was with that person. I wish I looked liked her and her husband loved me like he loves her. I wish my wants were in Gods plan. So maybe knowing that they are just wishes makes me sane. Knowing does not make the pain go away. I just wish it didn’t hurt.
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This is truly a step three issue, we can feel completely insane and know that it's true, we can come to believe a higher power can restore us to sanity (we hear stories that support that theory in the rooms of recovery all the time), but step 3 ... do we really turn our lives and will's over to God's care?
Well, If I'm living in that spot where I don't have what "I" want, in other words if I have this pre-conceived notion of what the perfect life should look like (husband, 2 dogs, white picket fence and kids who love me and follow my lead) then I'm screwed.
I'm a child of God and he's the director of my life, therefore I have to loosen my grip on what I think will make me happy and just go with the flow for a while, because happiness comes (quite quickly in my case) when I let go of everything I think I know about life.
I had great success with the set aside prayer early in recovery (and i still use it at the beginning of all meetings recovery, work, etc..)
"God, please set aside everything I think I know about my dis-ease, my recovery, the steps and especially You. Grant me an open mind for a new experience with my dis-ease, the steps, my recovery and especially You."
It was important for me to understand that I was always ill-at-ease which was dis-ease... I always thought disease was like alcohol, addiction to a substance that people were directly using that caused issues in my life. It never occurred to me that disease was actually dis-ease the feeling associated with participating with other human beings in relationships or the feeling about myself in my head.
I've learned that many of the words I thought I understood don't really mean what I thought.
I accepted that I was insane, and really examined everything I had tried in my life (marriage, relationships, jobs) and realized none of it was what I truly assumed it should be. That's when I started to get better, because there was a plan of action for those issues.
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